Father’s Day is coming up. And, not unlike Mother’s Day — this day can stir up a mix of emotions: gratitude, longing, grief, guilt, anger, numbness—or nothing at all. For those navigating estrangement, this day may feel especially loaded. Whether you’re an adult child estranged from your father, or a father estranged from your children, the second Sunday in June can open an old wound that rarely gets public acknowledgement.
And yet, estrangement is more common than many realize. Psychologist Dr. Joshua Coleman, a leading expert in parent-adult child estrangement, notes that it affects millions of families. It’s a silent epidemic, tangled in stigma, shame, and unresolved trauma. Unlike death, estrangement offers no clear rituals for mourning. It’s a form of ambiguous loss—a term coined by Dr. Pauline Boss to describe the grief that comes from a loss that lacks closure.
What Is Estrangement, Really?
Estrangement is not just about physical distance. It’s emotional disconnection—when one or both people in a relationship create boundaries that lead to silence, separation, or chronic conflict. It can be sudden or a slow erosion over years. Some estrangements are necessary for safety and healing; others are the result of unspoken pain, misunderstandings, misaligned beliefs and values, or inherited family trauma.
From a family systems perspective, estrangement doesn’t happen in isolation. It reflects a web of intergenerational patterns. Unresolved pain from previous generations often gets passed down unconsciously, influencing how we connect, withdraw, or react in our current relationships.
For Adult Children: Navigating Loss, Guilt, and Boundaries
If you’re an adult child estranged from your father, you might carry a heavy emotional load: guilt for setting boundaries, sadness for what never was, longing for something better, or confusion about your decision. Maybe your father was emotionally unavailable, abusive, absent, critical, or unsafe. Maybe he just didn’t know how to love you in the way you needed.
In trauma-informed therapy, we acknowledge that going no-contact or low-contact is sometimes an act of self-protection, not punishment. Your nervous system may have decided that peace is more important than proximity. That doesn’t make the loss less painful.
When working to support parents and children who are estranged, I draw from a number of evidence-based therapies to help clients cope and heal. For instance, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and parts work (such as Internal Family Systems, or IFS) help us notice the different “parts” of us that show up around this day—the grieving inner child who wanted a dad who saw them, the protective part that set the boundary, the angry part that still wants to be heard, and maybe even a compassionate part that’s trying to hold space for them all.
Self-compassion is essential here. As Kristin Neff says, “Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others.” You are allowed to grieve what never was, while still honouring the choices that support your wellbeing — even if there is ambivalence in those choices.
For Fathers: The Silent Grief of Disconnection
If you’re a father estranged from your child, Father’s Day might feel like a mirror reflecting everything you’ve lost. Some fathers experience estrangement after divorce, family conflict, or years of emotional misattunement they didn’t know how to repair.
You may feel helpless, ashamed, confused—or unfairly blamed. Maybe you’ve reached out and been rejected. Maybe you don’t even understand what went wrong.
Dr. Coleman encourages estranged parents to respond with empathy and patience—not defensiveness. This often means being willing to listen to your adult child’s pain without trying to fix, explain, or justify. Sometimes healing requires accountability, even if your intention was never to harm.
That said, not all reconciliation is possible or healthy. Whether or not reconnection happens, fathers need a place to process their own grief and shame. This is especially important in a culture that doesn’t give men much emotional language or room to express vulnerability.
Therapeutic approaches like grief work, parts work and inner child healing can help fathers explore the beliefs, wounds, and defenses that shaped how they showed up as parents—and what’s possible now. You are not defined only by your regrets. Growth is possible, even if reconciliation isn’t. That said, drawing from Josh Coleman’s work, I help these parents cope and heal with tenderness, self care, insight and skill building.
Coping with Ambiguous Loss on Father’s Day
No matter where you are on the estrangement spectrum—grieving, angry, ambivalent, healing—Father’s Day can be a good time to:
• Feel what you feel. There is no “right” emotion today. All parts of you are welcome.
• Create your own ritual. Write a letter (unsent or sent), light a candle, journal, visit nature—anything that helps you acknowledge the complexity of your experience.
• Seek connection. You are not alone. Support groups, therapy, or even meaningful conversations with friends can reduce isolation.
• Practice self-compassion. You may have done the best you could with the tools you had. And so did they.
Estrangement is painful, but it’s also a doorway to deep personal healing. Whether you are mourning a father who was never emotionally present, or grieving a child who is no longer in your life, your story matters. And healing is possible—even if the relationship doesn’t return.
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