If you’re parenting teens (or preteens), you’ve likely seen it: slammed doors, sharp words, or one child withdrawing while another explodes. You step in, try to calm the situation—and suddenly you’re the one feeling triggered. Maybe your heart races, your voice rises, or you shut down completely. You might think, “Why does this keep happening?” or “I should be able to handle this better.”
You’re not failing as a parent. You’re human—and what’s happening likely connects to your own nervous system and attachment history, not just your kids’ behaviour.
Some parents I have worked with describe moments like these:
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“They start fighting and I immediately go into panic mode or become angry.”
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“I hear one child being mean to the other, and something in me snaps. I can’t stay out of it.”
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“I try to stay calm, but I get overwhelmed and that just takes over.”
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“I don’t want to repeat what I grew up with—but I don’t know how else to respond.”
Sibling conflict can feel personal. It activates not just our caregiving instincts, but our own early experiences of being unheard, blamed, or dismissed.
Understanding What’s Beneath Sibling Conflict
Sibling rivalry is developmentally normal—but the intensity of it often reflects more than “personality differences.” Research in developmental and attachment-based family therapy shows that siblings often express unspoken emotional needs through conflict.
When a child feels unseen, threatened, or disconnected, they might compete for attention or test boundaries. Underneath, they’re often asking:
“Do I matter as much as my brother?”
“Can you handle my big emotions?”
“Will you still love me if I’m angry?”
In Emotionally Focused Family Therapy (EFFT) and attachment-based parenting work, we see conflict as communication. The goal isn’t to eliminate rivalry—it’s to decode it and help each child feel safe enough to regulate.
When (and How) to Intervene
Intervening effectively means balancing safety, structure, and emotional containment.
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If safety is at risk (physical harm or serious verbal attacks), step in immediately and separate the children.
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If emotions are high but manageable, stay nearby and model calm presence rather than jumping into referee mode.
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When calm returns, guide repair: help them name what they felt, what they needed, and what they wish had happened.
This approach supports emotional literacy and repair—both key goals of attachment-informed parenting.
Managing Your Own Fight–Flight–Freeze Response
Your nervous system reacts quickly when your children fight because conflict cues threat—especially if conflict felt unsafe in your own upbringing.
Using somatic and trauma-informed tools, therapy helps parents learn to recognize their triggers:
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Tight chest or racing heart → sign of fight/flight
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Feeling frozen or detached → sign of freeze/shut-down
These are automatic, protective responses. Learning to regulate them allows you to parent with more calm, empathy, and clarity.
IFS (Internal Family Systems) or “parts work” can be powerful here. You might notice a “fixer part,” a “peacemaker part,” or a “helpless part” that activates when your kids fight. Therapy helps you meet those parts with compassion instead of shame—and respond from a grounded, adult self.
How Therapy Helps Families Move Through Conflict
In my practice, I blend Emotionally Focused Family Therapy (EFFT), IFS/parts work, trauma-informed approaches, developmental therapy, mindfulness, and systems-based work to help families move from chaos to connection.
You can expect support in:
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Understanding each child’s emotional needs and attachment patterns
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Learning when to step in and when to step back
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Repairing ruptures after big fights
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Calming your own body during conflict
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Building stronger communication loops between siblings and parents
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Breaking intergenerational cycles of emotional reactivity or avoidance
Support for Families in Hamilton, Burlington, Niagara & Across Ontario
I offer in-person family therapy in Hamilton (serving Burlington, Stoney Creek, Dundas, Ancaster, and surrounding areas) and online therapy across Ontario. Whether you’re navigating sibling rivalry, parenting teens, or managing your own stress responses, you don’t have to do it alone.
Family therapy offers a space to rebuild trust, connection, and calm—one conversation at a time.
If You’re Ready to Bring More Calm Into Your Home
If you’re tired of walking on eggshells or watching your children fight without knowing what to do, support is available.
Visit ontariotherapist.com to book a consultation and start finding your footing again.
Disclaimer
This article is for general information only and is not a substitute for professional psychotherapy, assessment, or personalized advice.
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