A Trauma-Informed, Attachment-Based Approach to Finding Love and Breaking Old Patterns
Dating can bring up hope, excitement, and possibility—but for many people, it also activates anxiety, self-doubt, and old wounds that feel bigger than the situation in front of them.
You might notice yourself:
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Getting easily triggered by slow replies or mixed signals
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Feeling rejected, abandoned, or “too much” very quickly
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Shutting down or losing interest when someone gets close
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Repeating the same dating patterns despite knowing better
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Feeling dysregulated, anxious, or emotionally exhausted by dating
If this resonates, it doesn’t mean you’re bad at dating. It usually means dating is activating unresolved relational trauma and attachment patterns, often stored in the body, not just the mind.
As a Registered Psychotherapist in Ontario, I work with dating concerns through a trauma-informed, relational, and attachment-based lens. This means we don’t just focus on surface behaviours or dating “strategies”—we work at the root level, where patterns actually change.
Why Dating Activates Old Wounds So Quickly
Dating is inherently vulnerable. When there is attraction, uncertainty, and hope, your nervous system starts asking important questions long before you consciously do:
Am I safe? Am I wanted? Will I be rejected? Will I be left?
If you’ve experienced relational trauma — such as emotional neglect, inconsistency, abandonment, betrayal, chronic criticism, or unstable caregiving — dating can feel especially intense. Your body may react as if past experiences are happening again, even when the current situation doesn’t fully warrant it.
This is not weakness. It’s how trauma works.
Trauma is not only what happened to you—it’s how your nervous system learned to survive relationships.
Root Causes vs. Surface Issues in Dating
Many people come to therapy focused on surface-level concerns:
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“I overthink texts.”
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“I keep choosing the wrong people.”
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“I get anxious or shut down.”
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“I’m too sensitive to rejection.”
While these experiences are real and painful, they are usually symptoms, not the root cause.
In our work together, we gently explore:
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The core beliefs underneath these reactions (e.g., I’m not enough, I’ll be abandoned, I can’t rely on others)
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The narratives you carry about yourself in relationships
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The triggers that activate your nervous system
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The attachment strategies you developed to stay connected or protect yourself
When we work at this level, change becomes more sustainable — not forced or performative.
Understanding Relational Trauma in the Body
Relational trauma often lives in the body as:
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Hypervigilance or constant scanning for rejection
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Tightness, panic, or shutdown during dating interactions
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Difficulty staying present during closeness or conflict
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Strong emotional reactions that feel disproportionate or uncontrollable
This is why insight alone is often not enough.
A trauma-informed approach helps you understand how your nervous system learned to respond in relationships, and how to bring more regulation and choice back online.
In therapy, we work on:
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Increasing awareness of bodily cues and early signs of activation
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Learning how to self-soothe and regulate when triggered
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Helping reactive parts of you feel safer, rather than fighting them
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Building capacity to stay present in connection
This is where dating shifts from something that overwhelms you to something you can engage in with more steadiness and self-trust.
Attachment Styles and Dating Patterns
Attachment theory offers a helpful, non-shaming way to understand dating struggles. While everyone is unique, many people recognize themselves in patterns such as:
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Anxious attachment: fear of abandonment, overthinking, needing reassurance, feeling preoccupied with the relationship
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Avoidant attachment: discomfort with closeness, emotional distancing, loss of interest when intimacy increases
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Disorganized attachment: wanting closeness but feeling unsafe when it arrives, swinging between anxiety and withdrawal
These patterns often formed early as intelligent adaptations to relational environments. In dating therapy, we don’t label or box you in — we use attachment as a map to understand what your system learned and what it needs now.
Over time, therapy supports movement toward more secure relating — where closeness feels safer and autonomy doesn’t feel like abandonment.
Rejection Sensitivity and Dating
Many clients struggle with rejection sensitivity, especially those with relational trauma or neurodivergent traits. This can look like:
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Feeling devastated by small cues or changes in tone
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Interpreting ambiguity as rejection
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Taking dating outcomes as evidence of personal failure
In therapy, we explore how rejection sensitivity developed, how it lives in the body, and how to create space between the trigger and the meaning you make of it.
Rather than telling yourself to “not take it personally,” we work compassionately with the parts of you that learned rejection was dangerous.
Parts Work and Emotion-Focused Approaches in Dating Therapy
I integrate parts work (such as Internal Family Systems-informed approaches) and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT/EFFT) into dating therapy.
This allows us to:
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Identify protective parts (e.g., the part that overanalyzes, withdraws, or people-pleases)
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Understand what these parts are trying to protect you from
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Reduce internal conflict and self-criticism and increase self compassion
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Access deeper emotional needs safely
Rather than trying to “get rid of” behaviours, we help them soften once they feel understood and supported.
Emotion-focused work helps you recognize, tolerate, and express emotions more clearly — so they don’t hijack dating interactions or lead to patterns you later regret.
Breaking Patterns and Building New Habits
Change happens through repeated, embodied experiences, not willpower alone.
In therapy, we work on:
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Recognizing early warning signs before patterns take over
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Practicing new responses that feel authentic, not forced
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Strengthening boundaries without emotional shutdown
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Learning how to self-regulate between dates and interactions
This work supports you in dating from a place of choice rather than fear.
Dating Therapy That Goes Beyond Advice
I don’t offer scripts, hacks, or guarantees. What I offer is a deep, relational space to understand yourself in dating — so you can show up more fully, without abandoning yourself.
Dating therapy is not about becoming someone else. It’s about removing the blocks that keep you from being yourself in connection.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
If dating has become a source of anxiety, self-doubt, or emotional pain, therapy can help you slow down, understand what’s happening beneath the surface, and move toward connection with more confidence and care.
If you’re looking for dating therapy in Ontario, and want a trauma-informed, attachment-based, relational approach, I invite you to reach out. I also offer EMDR therapy to those who still feel blocked by relational trauma in their lives.
If you’re ready to work at the root of your dating patterns — not just the symptoms — therapy may be a meaningful next step. Please reach out through my contact page. I offer free, 15-20 minutes consultations to see if we are a good fit.
This page is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for psychotherapy or mental health treatment.