“I’m just trying to talk to you. Why do you shut down?”
“I’m not shutting down. I’m trying not to make it worse.”
Many couples walk into therapy rooms not because of yelling or betrayal — but because of a subtle, persistent ache of disconnection.
One partner says, “I want to talk about how I feel.”
The other replies, “Why do you always have to get emotional? Can’t we just talk about facts? You are overreacting and the facts aren’t so bad!”
At first glance, it looks like one person is too emotional and the other is too logical. But in truth, both partners are hurting — and both are protecting themselves. The problem is that this kind of fighting creates emotional distance.
This blog unpacks this dynamic, using tools from Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Gottman Method, Imago Therapy, and trauma-informed approaches, to help you begin healing the emotional distance in your relationship. When I work with couples, I draw from all these modalities and more (lots of overlap) to help them better connect and stop walling themselves off and shutting each other down.
When “Factual” is Really Emotional Protection
Therapists like Terry Real and the late Sue Johnson explain that emotionally walled-off partners aren’t cold — they’re often overwhelmed. What looks like stoicism is usually a freeze or flight response — common in those who grew up in environments where vulnerability wasn’t modelled or was unsafe.
These partners learned, often early, to rely on logic and control because feelings were chaotic, dangerous, or shamed. So when their partner gets emotional, they may not shut down to punish — they shut down to survive.
They may say:
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“I’m trying to stay calm.”
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“I don’t know what you want from me.”
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“If I say the wrong thing, you’ll get more upset.”
This is what trauma therapists call adaptive protection. It’s not rejection — it’s a nervous system in self-defense mode.
When “Emotional” is Really Protest Behaviour
On the flip side, the partner who is labelled as “too emotional” is often engaging in protest behaviour — a concept from attachment theory and EFT.
Protest behaviours are desperate attempts to reconnect when a partner feels emotionally abandoned. These behaviours can include:
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Repeating the same complaint over and over
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Crying or pleading
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Sarcasm, criticism, or even rage
These aren’t signs of instability — they’re signs of abandonment distress. Deep down, the emotional partner is asking:
“Do I matter to you? Can you see that I’m in pain? Will you come back to me emotionally?”
Understanding this reframe helps move the dynamic from mutual blame to shared compassion.
You’re Not the Problem — The Pattern Is
This cycle — one partner pursuing, the other withdrawing — is not a character flaw. It’s a relational pattern that’s trying (and failing) to protect the connection.
EFT founder Dr. Sue Johnson describes this as the “protest-withdraw cycle.” And it’s extremely common.
You’re not alone. And you’re not stuck.
Tools to Rebuild Emotional Connection
Healing begins not when we fix our partner — but when we begin to understand them differently and work to ‘connect over correct’.
Here are two research-based, therapist-recommended tools to help.
🔧 1. Emotional Coaching (Gottman Method, Emotionally focused Family Therapy/EFFT)
Drs. John and Julie Gottman emphasize that strong couples coach each other through emotional storms rather than try to stop them. EFFT suggests that we are mostly just misguided and unskilled — not necessarily mean and evil.
If your partner is expressing big emotions:
✅ Listen for the feeling under the words (hurt, fear, rejection)
✅ Name it gently: “I see you’re feeling really overwhelmed right now.”
✅ Validate it: “That makes sense to me. I’d feel that way too.”
EFFT takes it a step further and builds empathy into that validation. It challenges the speaker to try to put themselves in their partners shoes and imagine WHY they might be feeling that way. Even if you aren’t correct, the effort goes a long way toward showing empathy and building trust. EFFT also ends with either an emotional statement offering comfort and compassion and/or a practical support idea.
This reduces emotional flooding and builds trust.
🗣️ 2. Intentional Dialogue (Imago Therapy)
This structured tool helps break reactive cycles by creating space for empathy and deep listening.
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Mirror – Repeat back what your partner said:
“What I hear you saying is…” -
Validate – Find something that makes sense, even if you disagree:
“That makes sense to me because…” -
Empathize –
“I imagine that feels…”
This slows things down, helps both partners stay in their adult selves, and fosters emotional safety — the root of connection. In my practice, I tend to use a combination of Intentional Dialogue and Emotional Coaching. The result is often magic. You can hear and see the softening that takes place when partners feel heard by their partners for the first time.
A Shift in Understanding = A Shift in Connection
What if your “emotionally unavailable” partner isn’t cold — but scared?
What if your “too emotional” partner isn’t irrational — but grieving disconnection?
When we shift from judgment to curiosity, we create the conditions for real change.
You both want to feel close. You both want to feel safe. You’re just stuck in a cycle that makes you feel like enemies instead of allies.
Healing Is Possible — And Begins With Empathy
This kind of emotional work doesn’t happen overnight. But with support, courage, and new tools, disconnection can become deeper understanding. Many couples emerge from this work stronger, more open, and more emotionally bonded than they’ve ever been.
This isn’t about being “too emotional” or “too factual.”
It’s about becoming fluent in each other’s emotional language.
And that’s a skill that can be learned. Are you wanting to break your pursue-withdraw cycle? Reach out for a consultation: www.ontariotherapist.com.
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