We’ve all heard it: “Set your boundaries.” Indeed many of us therapists teach this!
And yes—boundaries are vital. They help us define where we end and others begin. They protect our time, our energy, and our well-being.
But here’s what often gets missed in today’s boundary talk:
Not everything labelled a “boundary” is truly a boundary.
Sometimes, what we call boundaries are actually emotional cutoffs—survival strategies that feel safe in the short term, but isolate us in the long run.
Especially for those with trauma histories, cultural messages about emotional suppression, or poor role modelling of communication, boundaries can easily become rigid walls built out of fear, not clarity.
The Problem With Pop Psychology Boundaries
Social media is filled with messages like:
🌀 “Protect your peace—cut them off.”
🌀 “If they don’t get it, you don’t owe them anything.”
🌀 “If it’s hard, it’s wrong.”
While empowering on the surface, these messages don’t account for the complexity of attachment wounds, relational trauma, or the emotional skill gaps many of us inherited from our families or cultures.
For example, in families where conflict was avoided, stonewalling (shutting down, going silent, withdrawing) may have been seen as normal or even mature. In some cultures, direct emotional expression is discouraged entirely.
If you grew up without healthy communication models, it makes sense that “setting a boundary” might look like cutting off, ghosting, or emotionally disengaging—because no one taught you how to stay connected while still protecting yourself.
Walls vs. Boundaries: What Trauma and Culture Confuse
Drawing from Relational Life Therapy (RLT) by Terrence Real, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and The Gottman Method, one thing is clear:
We are wired for connection—even if connection has felt dangerous in the past.
But trauma teaches us that the safest relationship is no relationship at all. That’s where walls come in.
-
A boundary says: “This matters to me, and I want you to understand why.”
-
A wall says: “You can’t hurt me if you’re not close enough to touch me.”
Emotional cutoffs are often confused with boundaries—but they function differently. Cutoffs are used to avoid vulnerability. Boundaries are used to stay in relationship while staying true to yourself.
Case Studies: When “Taking Space” Became Avoidance
“Jade” (composite with name changed) came to therapy convinced she was being assertive. She’d been pulling away from her partner Sam after arguments, sleeping in a separate room, and refusing to talk until days later. “I’m just setting boundaries,” she said.
But as we explored it, we uncovered a deeper layer:
Jade had never learned how to regulate conflict. Growing up, conflict was dangerous. It meant emotional abandonment—or worse. For her, taking space wasn’t an empowered choice—it was a protective reflex rooted in fear.
Together in therapy, we worked on co-regulation, repair skills, and new communication tools. Jade began to say:
🧠 “I need 20 minutes to cool down, and then I’d like to come back to this.”
That’s a boundary.
Not a wall.
In another case, “Jessie” (composite with name changed) withdrew from a friend after the friend made a flippant comment Jessie found offensive. Jessie learned some assertiveness skills that involved starting gently, and using non-blaming language to talk about her own feelings and to ask for what she needed. While her friend was surprised and embarrassed, the friendship was saved and her friend became more aware of some of Jessie’s more tender spots.
The Role of Generational and Cultural Influences
For many, the way we handle boundaries today is shaped by generations of unspoken rules.
👵 “Keep the peace, no matter the cost.”
👨👧 “Family is everything—even if it hurts you.”
🧏♀️ “Don’t air dirty laundry. Emotions are private.”
Without emotional language or communication tools, people fall into patterns of stonewalling, people-pleasing, silent withdrawal, screaming (protest move) – all of which might be intended to be boundaries or when they’re really relational shutdowns. In the case of screaming our needs or feelings, these are too easily then labelled “overreactions”. Either way, these don’t work to build emotional closeness.
Healthy Boundaries are Relational
From a relational therapy perspective, real boundaries are:
💬 Clear: “I love you, and I need some time to process.”
💬 Communicated: “I’m not comfortable with that. Can we find another way?”
💬 Connected: “Here’s what I need—what about you?”
Boundaries are invitations to stay in relationship with honesty—not tools to build emotional bunkers.
Final Thoughts: From Survival to Secure Connection
If you’ve experienced trauma, poor communication modelling, or cultural or intergenerational messages that discouraged emotional expression, or expressed it poorly, it’s completely understandable that closeness feels unsafe.
But healing isn’t about perfect independence. It’s about building the emotional skills to be safe and connected at the same time.
If your “boundaries” are leaving you lonely, it might be time to re-examine them—with curiosity and compassion.
🧡 I help individuals and couples in Ontario build relational safety, express their needs, and create connection that doesn’t require self-abandonment.
#Boundaries #EmotionalCutoff #TraumaTherapy #RelationshipHealing #OnlyHuman
