If you’re in a blended family where one or both of you have children in the mix, and, as the biological or first parent, sometimes feel like you’re being pulled into the middle, you’re not alone. Many couples arrive to therapy saying things like: “My partner and my child are constantly competing… and I’m stuck between them.” Or a stepparent confides, “I know I’m the adult, but I feel I have no say in my own home.” Or “I feel my spouse is choosing their child over me.”
These moments are painful. They touch old attachment wounds, stir up loyalty conflicts, and bring intense pressure to the couple relationship. When a remarriage or new partnership is still relatively fresh, even small misunderstandings can feel big. Add children — who are also navigating loss, change, and belonging — and the emotional temperature can rise quickly. This is worse still depending on the conflict that may exist between the child’s parents, whether the child as been in part “alienated” or turned against the parent in question, or whether or not a child feels the parent “abandoned” them or their first family. It’s tricky to navigate.
Why Does This Happen? A Closer Look Beneath the Surface
Blended families are built on multiple emotional timelines. Children are often still adapting while the adults may be eager to “feel like a family.” Research consistently shows that blended families take years—not months—to stabilize. Kids don’t automatically attach to a stepparent, and adults don’t automatically know how to co-parent with someone who did not raise their child from the beginning. They often have different parenting styles, secondary parents to deal with, different values and goals for children, different relationships with their own children, and have temperaments that may not align (this happens between biological/adoptive parents and their children as well).
From an attachment lens, children may see a stepparent as a threat to their bond with the biological parent. They may test boundaries, withdraw, or cling. A stepparent’s adaptive child part may get activated—maybe the part that felt ignored, unwanted, or displaced long ago—which can make even normal childhood behaviour feel personal or disrespectful.
Family systems theory reminds us that when a system is stressed, triangles form. Suddenly, the couple relationship shifts from “partners” to “good cop/bad cop,” or one adult aligns with a child while the other feels exiled. In emotionally focused family therapy, we see this as a protective response—a way to manage fear of loss, fear of rejection, or fear of failing as a parent or partner.
And when we fall back into survival mode, poor reactions are almost guaranteed:
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A stepparent becomes overly strict, or overly distant.
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A biological parent becomes defensive, permissive, or guilty.
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A child escalates, withdraws, or “splits” the adults.
None of this means the family is doomed. It means the system is overwhelmed.
Composite Example: When Everyone Starts to Feel Like the Problem
Imagine a couple we will call Anna and Mark. Mark’s 12-year-old son, Liam, visits every other week. Liam is polite but cool with Anna. Anna tries to give him space, but when he ignores her or only speaks to Mark, she feels invisible. Mark, wanting to keep the peace, becomes softer on rules and tries to manage everyone’s emotions at once. Anna feels abandoned; Liam feels pressured; Mark feels he is failing both of them.
What’s happening isn’t about who is “right.” It’s an attachment system trying to rebalance. And this is where therapy can help.
How Therapy Helps Couples and Families Rebuild Safely
In sessions, we slow the system down. We explore the underlying fears—often the tender “parts” that get activated in blended family dynamics.
Using Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and RLT (Relational Life Therapy), I help couples see the pattern they’re stuck in, not each other as the enemy. We look at Gottman-informed skills like repair attempts, gentle startups, and staying out of contempt—potent tools when resentment is growing between adults.
With parts work, we identify the stepparent’s “triggered part,” the biological parent’s “guilty or protective part,” and the child’s “fearful or grieving part.” Once these parts are acknowledged—not shamed—people can respond from their wise adult selves rather than their hurt, reactive ones.
EMDR-informed approaches can help adults recognize when old memories of exclusion, conflict, neglect, or family rupture are being activated by the current blended-family challenges.
Family systems and drama triangle work help the couple step out of rescuer–victim–persecutor roles and back into healthy boundaries.
When Stepparent and Child Just Don’t Like Each Other
Yes, this happens. And it doesn’t make you a bad parent, partner, or stepparent. What matters is whether the adults can co-create a structure where:
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the child feels safe and not pushed into loyalty binds
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the stepparent has influence—but not pressure—to build connection
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the couple stays united without anyone feeling erased
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the adults protect the marriage from external stress
A strong couple bond is the anchor in blended families. Research shows that when the couple relationship is secure and emotionally connected, children adapt more smoothly—even when relationships are imperfect.
You Don’t Need to Do This Alone
If you’re feeling the strain of blended family life, know that these struggles are normal and workable. Therapy provides a safe, structured space to explore what’s happening beneath the surface, rebuild connection, and create family patterns that feel calmer, steadier, and more respectful to everyone involved.
Call to Action
If you’re in a blended family and feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or pulled in two directions, I’d be honoured to help. Reach out to book a consultation so we can explore how to support your relationship, your family, and the future you’re building together.
Disclaimer
This blog is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice or therapy.
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