I have decided to post about family conflict and estrangement for the next several blogs. I think it’s timely as we come out of the holiday season and, while we may see families “seeming” united and together (thank you social media), many other families, unhappy to start, and under the weight of holiday pressure, break down and separate. Many others are already separate, divided or estranged heading into the holidays — and it’s tough. While these are generally adult decisions, as a therapist who treats couples and families, I see and hear about the impact of these decisions on children — especially when kids are put or feel in the middle of family conflict.
When family estrangement spans generations, children are often impacted long before anyone realizes it. Sometimes they are asked — directly or subtly — to align with one side. Other times, they are shielded from a family member believed to be harmful. Both situations usually come from a place of protection or pain. And both can leave children carrying emotional burdens they never asked for.
Many parents sit with an impossible question:
Am I protecting my child — or pulling them into something they shouldn’t have to hold?
Loyalty Demands and the Cost to Children
Family systems research has long shown that children experience significant stress when they feel pressure to choose between caregivers or family members. This is known as a loyalty bind — and it doesn’t require explicit instructions.
It can sound like:
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“We don’t talk to them anymore.”
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“They hurt our family.”
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“If you knew what they did, you’d understand.”
Even when spoken calmly, these messages can place children in a silent dilemma: If I love you, do I have to reject them too?
Consider this example:
A grandparent, who has been abusive or invalidating to their adult child, and has been cut off repeatedly asks the children to “remember who really loves them” or tries to “show them” through lavish gifts. Meanwhile, the parent warns the children to be cautious or distant. The children learn that closeness itself is dangerous — and that relationships come with hidden tests.
Over time, this can affect how children understand trust, autonomy, and emotional safety.
When Cutoff Is About Protection
At the same time, many parents choose estrangement because they believe — often with good reason — that a family member is abusive, emotionally unsafe, or deeply destabilizing. Parenting and trauma research is clear: children should not be exposed to ongoing harm in the name of family unity.
The difficulty lies in the gray areas.
Not all harm is overt. Emotional volatility, boundary violations, untreated addiction, or chronic invalidation can all be damaging — yet difficult to explain to children without oversharing or demonizing.
Parents are then left holding a painful dual responsibility:
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Protecting their children from harm
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Avoiding passing down fear, rigidity, or unresolved trauma
This is not a failure of parenting. It is a genuine ethical and emotional conundrum.
The Intergenerational Ripple Effect
Estrangement rarely starts with one generation. Patterns of cutoff, silence, and unresolved conflict often repeat. Children raised around estrangement may internalize beliefs such as:
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Conflict leads to disappearance
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Safety requires emotional distance
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Loyalty matters more than honesty
Over time, these patterns can shape adult relationships, parenting styles, and how future conflicts are handled.
Therapy often becomes the first place where someone pauses and asks:
What am I passing on — even unintentionally?
How Therapy Helps Families Navigate the Gray
In my work with families across Hamilton, Burlington, Niagara, and Southern Ontario, therapy is not about deciding who is “right.” It’s about helping parents think developmentally, relationally, and ethically.
Therapy can help parents:
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Clarify what truly makes someone unsafe versus emotionally difficult
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Decide what children need to know — and what they don’t
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Reduce loyalty binds by separating adult decisions from children’s emotional worlds
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Process fear, anger, and anticipatory regret before involving children
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Revisit boundaries as children grow and mature
Sometimes therapy supports maintaining distance. Other times, it helps families explore limited, structured, or indirect forms of contact. Often, it simply helps parents speak about estrangement in ways that reduce shame and confusion.
Holding Protection Without Polarization
Children benefit most when adults communicate:
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“My job is to keep you safe.”
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“You are not responsible for adult relationships.”
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“It’s okay to have your own feelings.”
This kind of language helps children develop emotional complexity without carrying adult burdens — a key protective factor identified in developmental and grief research.
Local, Grounded Support for Complex Family Decisions
I offer in-person therapy in Hamilton and surrounding areas, as well as online therapy across Ontario. Many families appreciate having a neutral, trauma-informed relational space to think through these painful decisions carefully — without pressure toward contact or cutoff.
If you’re navigating estrangement while trying to protect your children — and worrying about the legacy you’re creating — therapy can help you slow this down, clarify your values, and choose with intention rather than fear.
Reach out for a consultation at www.ontariotherapist.com
Disclaimer
This blog is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for psychotherapy or mental health treatment.
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