Relationships are one of the most beautiful—and sometimes, one of the most challenging—parts of being human. When things get tough, you might wonder: Should I see a therapist on my own, or should we go together as a couple? Or maybe both?
Therapists like myself know that every relationship is unique, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. But based on decades of research and therapeutic wisdom from leaders like Dr. Sue Johnson (Emotionally Focused Therapy), Terry Real (Relational Life Therapy), Esther Perel, Dr. Alexandra Solomon, the Gottmans, and more, there are ways to make an informed choice.
Individual Therapy: Building Self-Awareness and Emotional Agility
Sometimes, the most powerful relationship work begins with looking inward.
Individual therapy can be incredibly helpful when:
- You’re unsure what you want from the relationship
- You’ve experienced trauma that’s affecting how you connect
- You need space to unpack patterns and triggers before addressing them with your partner
Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy (EFIT) and Emotion-Focused Family Therapy (EFFT) both highlight how attachment wounds and emotion regulation challenges often lie beneath conflict. Therapy here can help you understand your emotional blueprint—your relational “operating system”—so you can show up more consciously in love.
As Dr. Alexandra Solomon puts it: “Self-awareness is the key to relational self-awareness.” If you’re constantly looping through the same fights or feeling emotionally reactive, individual therapy might be the best first step (and is sometimes needed before or alongside couples therapy).
Couples Therapy: Healing in Real Time, Together
When partners sit together with a therapist, magic can happen. I’ve seen it — particularly when using empathy building exercises.
Couples therapy can allow both partners to feel seen and heard. You can practice communication in real-time, witness each other’s emotional pain, interrupt negative patterns, and start to rebuild trust and safety—together.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) by Dr. Sue Johnson is one of the most evidence-based approaches for couples. EFT helps couples recognize their negative interaction cycles and replace them with connection-building conversations rooted in attachment and vulnerability.
The Gottman Method, grounded in over 40 years of research, gives us tools like the “Four Horsemen” (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) and their antidotes. Through these frameworks, couples learn how to repair conflict and deepen friendship.
Terry Real’s Relational Life Therapy (RLT) helps build relational self awareness, to see our default conflict patterns, through his “5 Losing Strategies” (unbridled self-expression, needing to be right, retaliation, withdrawal, and defensiveness), and his relational grid. His work reminds us that we live in a culture that overvalues independence and under-values connection. He challenges couples to “grow up” and shift from power struggles to mutual respect and compassion.
In the words of Esther Perel, “The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.” Couples therapy can help nurture that quality. She also reminds us that modern ideas of relationships often place unrealistic demands on and between couples.
Case Study: “Emma & Daniel”
Consider the case of Emma and Daniel who came to therapy after years of simmering conflict. Emma felt emotionally invisible and unsupported, especially after the birth of their first child. Daniel felt constantly criticized and unable to do anything right — especially around parenting and Emma’s ideas of what was ‘right’. At first, Emma started with individual therapy to explore her own unmet needs and patterns from childhood.
After 3 months, Daniel joined her for couples therapy. Through a combination of approaches including EFT, they learned to recognize their cycle: Emma’s protest behaviours (pursuing) triggered Daniel’s shutdown (withdrawing). With practice, they began expressing core emotions—fear, sadness, longing—instead of blame. Over time, Daniel felt safe to open up, and Emma felt seen for the first time in years. They also began to better understand how the pressures of new parenting were impacting their relationship — and the shame of feeling like they were somehow failing as parents and spouses in this difficult transition.
Their relationship didn’t just survive. It transformed. When they were ready to start trying for a second child, they felt more connected and better equipped to work as a team.
So…Which Is Better?
There’s no wrong answer—just different starting points.
👉 Choose individual therapy if you need clarity, healing, or emotional tools before addressing issues as a couple.
👉 Choose couples therapy if you want to work on dynamics together, understand each other’s emotional needs, and build connection in the presence of a skilled therapist.
In many cases, a combination of both yields the best results.
You’re Not Alone. Let’s Talk.
Whether you’re struggling with communication, intimacy, trust, or simply feeling disconnected—you’re not broken, and your relationship isn’t necessarily beyond repair. I help individuals and couples in Ontario work to better navigate love (of self and our partners) with courage and compassion.
🔗 Ready to take the next step? Visit ontariotherapist.com to book your free consultation today.
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