Starting therapy is a vulnerable step — it takes courage to reach out and even more to open up and feel safe doing so. But here’s something many people aren’t told early on: finding the right therapist fit, isn’t just kind of important — it’s everything — particularly when we are trying to heal from relationships that have not felt safe.
It’s not about finding someone with the “perfect” credentials (though training matters). It’s about finding someone you feel safe with, someone where you feel truly seen. And yes, that “fit” needs to go both ways. Therapists only only human, and we too have to be comfortable enough that we can show up as our authentic selves for our clients. If we don’t, or can’t (I’m not talking about once in a while on a bad day), but where we just don’t feel we fit or click with a client (sometimes we find out in a consult and sometimes it’s after several sessions), then we are doing a disservice to the relationship.
The Therapeutic Relationship is the Foundation
Research consistently shows that the quality of the therapeutic alliance — the connection between client and therapist — is one of the biggest predictors of positive outcomes in therapy, even more than the specific modality used.
So if you’ve ever had a gut sense in a session like, this just isn’t clicking (again, not just occasionally, but consistently)— you’re not being picky (and neither is the therapist). You’re being attuned to your own nervous system. Therapists say this too and therapists like me have had to say at times “I don’t think this is working” or “I can tell I’m not a good fit or we are not a good fit”. It’s a very hard thing to do — especially if you’ve already been working together.
What to Look For in a Good Fit
Here are a few signs you’re on the right path:
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You feel heard and respected, even when things are messy. In my case, I tell clients right off the top, about my style of interacting, and my invitation to them to challenge or correct me — that this isn’t about having a perfect relationship; it’s about trying to navigate things when or if things do get stuck or messy.
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The therapist is responsive and attuned, not just clinically competent.
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You feel with them, not managed by them.
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Your body feels a little more at ease during or after sessions — not always easy after a tough session, but ask yourself — do I feel safe addressing that after a session with this therapist?
Many therapists, including myself, who are in Hamilton and across Ontario via online therapy, draw on approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), and trauma-informed care. But these modalities only work when they’re used in a space that feels emotionally safe and mutually respectful. Sometimes things have to get a little messy to get there.
When Fit Triggers Old Wounds
It’s common for attachment wounds to show up when you’re choosing a therapist (and when a therapist is considering taking on or continuing with a client). If you’ve had experiences of rejection, neglect, or inconsistency in early relationships, therapy can unconsciously reawaken that fear:
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What if they don’t like me?
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What if I say too much?
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What if I’m too much?
This can be especially true if you feel like the therapist might not be fully on board — or if you sense hesitation from them. That’s why therapists also have a responsibility to honestly assess fit. A therapist who gently says, “I might not be the best person to support you with this” isn’t rejecting you — they’re honouring your healing. I have had clients say no, and as I have grown in my own practice, I have become more comfortable honouring the sacredness of the space between us, and said no as well, when I feel the relationship may not bring out my best, which we want for our clients. It’s a tricky dance and can bring out our own fears as therapists of feeling unkind or unhelpful.
Let Therapy Be a Relationship, Not a Transaction
The therapeutic relationship isn’t just a container for change — it is the change. In modalities like EFFT and relational psychotherapies, the relationship itself becomes the model for healthy, attuned connection. You’re not just talking about your patterns — you’re experiencing new relational safety in real time.
Ready to explore therapy in a way that feels authentic to you and honours your attachment needs and inner experience? I offer in-person therapy in Hamilton, Ontario and virtual sessions across the province. Let’s find out if we’re a good fit — together.
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