Many people who live with depression do not describe feeling sad all the time.
They may describe feeling slow.
Slow to respond.
Slow to understand what they feel.
Slow to find words.
Slow to react emotionally in conversations or conflict.
As a Registered Psychotherapist providing therapy in Hamilton and online across Ontario, I regularly hear clients worry that something is “wrong” with them cognitively or relationally.
In reality, depression may be affecting how the brain processes emotional information.
What is emotional processing speed?
Emotional processing speed refers to how quickly and accurately your brain can:
• notice emotional cues (your own and others’)
• identify what you feel
• make meaning of emotional experiences
• respond emotionally in real time
Research in affective neuroscience shows that depression is associated with reduced reactivity in reward and motivation systems, increased activation in self-referential and rumination networks, and reduced flexibility between emotional and cognitive systems.
In practical terms, the depressed brain becomes:
• more internally focused
• less responsive to emotional input
• slower at integrating emotional information
This is not laziness or lack of motivation.
It is a change in neural processing.
Why many people living with depression often say “I don’t know what I feel”
Depression is strongly associated with reduced emotional clarity.
Clients frequently report:
• feeling emotionally blank
• knowing something is wrong but not knowing what
• needing much more time to understand their reactions
From a clinical perspective, this is not emotional avoidance — it is emotional processing delay.
The emotional system is still active, but it is less accessible.
A family systems and developmental lens
From a family systems perspective, emotional slowing often interacts with long-standing relational roles.
In families where emotions were:
• overwhelming
• minimized
• dangerous
• or linked to conflict
slowing down emotionally can become an adaptive strategy.
Depression does not create that pattern — it amplifies it.
When emotional expression has historically carried interpersonal risk, the nervous system learns to dampen emotional responsiveness.
Consider this composite clinical example
“Michael” (composite example) is a 47-year-old professional who sought therapy for depression and increasing marital conflict.
His partner described him as emotionally unavailable.
Michael described something different:
“I just can’t catch up fast enough in conversations. By the time I know what I feel, the moment has passed.”
In session, it became clear that his emotional responses emerged with delay — sometimes hours later.
This mismatch in emotional timing created relational misunderstanding rather than emotional disinterest.
Depression and emotional load
Depression also reduces cognitive and emotional energy.
The brain must work harder to process even neutral emotional information.
This contributes to:
• emotional shutdown after work or parenting demands
• reduced tolerance for emotionally complex conversations
• a preference for withdrawal rather than engagement
A relational perspective
From an Emotionally Focused Therapy framework developed by the late Dr. Sue Johnson, emotional accessibility and responsiveness are central to relational security.
Depression interferes directly with this capacity.
This does not mean the person cares less.
It means the emotional system is under-resourced.
Decades of relationship research by Dr. John Gottman demonstrate that emotional attunement and repair predict relational stability.
Depression complicates these processes by slowing emotional recognition and response, making repair more challenging.
If depression is affecting emotional connection in your relationship or family, I offer therapy for couples and family therapy in-person for clients in Hamilton, Burlington, and the West GTHA., and online across Ontario.
Learn more and contact me for a free, 15 minute consultation at www.ontariotherapist.com
Disclaimer:This article is educational and does not replace psychotherapy, diagnosis, or individualized care.
#depression, #couples therapy, #CoupleTherapyHamilton #DepressionTherapyHamilton
