Midlife has always been a reckoning. But for many Gen X women—now in their 40s and 50s—it’s not just about hot flashes or career burnout (although that doesn’t help!). It may also be about waking up next to a partner who feels like a stranger. It may also be the exhaustion many feel of carrying the emotional weight in a marriage — often with kids — while trying to maintain some semblance of joy, purpose, and connection. It’s the quiet desperation of wondering, Is this it?
Many women who come to see me in my practice are wrestling with that question. They’re successful, thoughtful, emotionally aware—and deeply lonely. Often, they’re married to men who, on the surface, are “good guys” but emotionally unavailable, defensive, or increasingly drawn to online echo chambers that validate resentment and reinforce outdated gender roles. This rise of the “manosphere”—a controversial, toxic mix of podcasts, forums, and influencers, espousing misogynistic views—has become a silent third party in too many therapy rooms. According to this article, this got worse during the pandemic as more men spent time online. And its impacting how many women feel about their spouses (and men’s own unhappiness), and marriage more broadly.
The Gen X Pressure Cooker
Born between 1965 and 1980, Gen X women were raised during a time of shifting gender expectations. Many grew up with emotionally (and even physically) distant fathers and overworked or under-supported mothers. They were taught to “do it all”—build a career, raise children, and keep the emotional glue of the family intact. As we hit midlife, the cracks are showing.
Codependency, once a survival mechanism, is now a cage. These women often find themselves parenting not just their children but, they feel, also their partners—emotionally managing the household while carrying the bulk of the psychological labour. And when they begin to voice their needs or frustrations, they’re often met with shutdown, withdrawal, defensiveness, accusations of being “too emotional” or “never satisfied.”
The Manosphere’s Growing Influence:
In recent years, there’s been a troubling surge in men turning to online influencers who, according to the research, offer simple, black-and-white answers to their complex emotional struggles. These “thought leaders” often promote ideas rooted in traditional dominance, emotional suppression, and hostility toward women. They offer men validation, but at the cost of empathy and connection — which, we couples therapists know are essential to emotional intimacy and healthy relationships.
Peer reviewed research shows that men who consume high levels of misogynistic media report lower relationship satisfaction, less emotional intimacy, and higher levels of defensiveness in communication. This aligns with what we see in couples therapy: escalating cycles of criticism and withdrawal, emotional isolation, and polarized roles.
Couples Therapy with a Modern Lens
So, how do we work with this in therapy?
The first step is compassion—for both partners. At its best, couples therapy becomes a space where outdated narratives are gently deconstructed and emotional safety is rebuilt. Drawing from Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we help couples identify their negative patterns (often, pursue-withdraw dynamics) and reconnect with their underlying attachment needs: to feel seen, safe, and loved.
Terrence Real, author of Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, offers a crucial lens here. He teaches that disconnection often comes not from malice but from inherited legacies—of male entitlement, emotional repression, and feminine over-functioning. His work helps men learn relational skills like attunement, vulnerability, and repair, which are often missing from traditional male socialization.
The Gottman Method, with its emphasis on repair attempts, emotional bids, and softened startup, is particularly effective in helping couples rebuild trust. It’s not enough to communicate better—we need to connect better.
A Brief Case Study
Consider couple Carla, 51, and Marc, 53. Carla was feeling emotionally abandoned in her 25-year marriage. She was feeling angry about how much she was working, and while their children were no longer young, she felt she still had to take care of all the emotional labour to run the household, after a full day of work, and run interference between Marc and one of their kids. Her husband, Marc, 53, felt constantly nagged about her to-do list; resentful that Anna “always needed something from him” and that “nothing was ever enough.”
In therapy, we explored Marc’s own emotional inheritance—raised in a home where expressing vulnerability was unsafe. Using EFT and Real’s relational skill-building, Marc began to see how his defensiveness masked deeper feelings of inadequacy. As Anna softened, Marc stepped up. The shift wasn’t quick or perfect, but it was real.
They began to speak differently. Listen differently. Show up differently.
You’re Not Broken—The System Is
If you’re a Gen X woman struggling in your marriage, you’re not alone—and you’re not the problem. You may be the first in your lineage to demand more: emotional accountability, mutual care, and real intimacy. That takes courage.
If your partner is struggling to meet you there, therapy can help. But only if it’s rooted in understanding the cultural and psychological forces at play—not just communication tips.
You don’t need to keep doing this alone.
Ready to change the pattern? Couples therapy grounded in attachment, relational neuroscience, and gender-informed insight can help. Let’s rebuild connection, not resentment. Book a consultation at ontariotherapist.com or https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/therapists/cortney-pasternak-counselling-hamilton-on/335529
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