She’s the woman who never stops. Sound familiar?
The one who gets it done, holds it together, shows up for everyone—partner, kids, colleagues, aging parents. She’s not even sure what she is thinking or feeling — running on autopilot.
But ask her how she’s doing? She pauses. Stares. Maybe smiles politely. Then says, “I’m fine.” She is not.
Behind that mask is a nervous system running on overdrive. Behind that overfunctioning is a child who may have learned early that love had to be earned. And behind that child is often a woman in midlife, or close to it — exhausted, unsure who she is anymore, and terrified of what might happen if she ever stopped moving. Sometimes that manifests or presents as resentment and anger — sometimes toward her partner, or others she is supporting, who don’t understand why.
In my practice, this is the work of reselfing—a powerful, essential process in midlife therapy. It’s about gently unhooking from the protective parts that once kept you safe, so you can reconnect with who you truly are beneath all the doing.
Why Midlife Women Can’t Take Their Foot Off the Gas
For many Gen X women (and now Millenial women, the pressure to perform began early. Whether it was emotional neglect, unpredictable caregiving, or perfectionism modeled at home, the message was clear: Keep going. Don’t feel too much. Don’t need too much.
These patterns of survival become internalized parts of us. In Internal Family Systems (IFS) language, we’d call them managers—parts that keep us productive, pleasing, self-sufficient, and far away from emotional collapse.
But midlife changes the game. As the body slows and hormones shift, these high-functioning parts struggle to keep the same pace. And beneath them, long-exiled wounds begin to surface.
The Inner Child Who Learned to Earn Love
In trauma-informed therapy, especially with IFS and EMDR, we often meet the younger parts of ourselves—the “little ones” who felt invisible, unworthy, or responsible for others’ emotions.
For some clients, it’s a five-year-old who tried to make mommy happy. For others, it’s the teenager who became the adult in the room. These parts carry implicit memories—the kind that live in the body, not in words. The tight chest. The chronic guilt. The fear of slowing down.
Until these wounds are tended to—not just cognitively understood, but felt, witnessed, and released—the adult self can’t fully rest.
A Case Study: From Hyper-Doing to Wholeness
Take Erin, 52, (not the real name and a combination of many of my clients) a successful professional and mother of two. By all appearances, she had it together. But inside, she felt like a ghost in her own life. No joy. No clarity. Just endless lists.
In therapy, we used IFS to meet her overfunctioning part—a “little achiever” who’d been carrying the family since she was 10. She was scared that if Erin stopped, everything would fall apart.
Through EMDR, we processed the emotional weight of childhood moments where Erin felt unseen and responsible for everyone’s emotional well-being. Slowly, her system began to trust that adult Erin could lead with compassion, not just control.
Week by week, Erin began to feel more ease. More choice. More self.
What Is Reselfing?
Reselfing is not a clinical diagnosis—it’s a healing movement.
It’s the process of coming home to the Self with a capital S, that centered, calm, curious internal place we all have. In IFS, the Self is who we are when we’re not blended with our protectors or stuck in our pain.
Reselfing involves:
• Slowing down enough to listen to your internal world
• Unblending from perfectionism, people-pleasing, and performance
• Reparenting your wounded inner child with compassion and clarity
• Reclaiming joy, rest, and autonomy not as luxuries, but as birthrights
The Healing Invitation
If you’re in midlife and feel like you’re burning out—but can’t quite stop—you’re not lazy, weak, or broken. You’re likely still living from a younger version of you who never felt safe to let go.
Therapy can offer a different way.
You don’t have to dismantle your entire life.
You just need to make space for the parts of you that haven’t had a voice.
Call to Action
You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to heal. You are allowed to remeet yourself—not as a fixer, achiever, or caregiver, but as you.
Let’s do the work together.
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