When someone we love dies — or when we lose a relationship, dream, or part of our identity — we often assume healing means “moving on.” But many people who come to therapy discover that grief doesn’t disappear. It transforms. What remains, often quietly beneath the pain, is love.
That love can become a kind of legacy — not only of the person we lost, but of the bond that shaped us. In therapy, part of the work is learning how to live with that legacy, and how it might even guide the next chapter of our lives.
Grief as Love That Has Nowhere to Go
As author Megan Devine writes, “Grief is love in its most wild and painful form.” The intensity you feel – that ache, longing, and/or tears that arrive without warning — is not a sign that something is wrong with you. It’s often evidence of how deeply you’ve loved, even if the love was complicated — as it often is.
When that love no longer has the same place to land — when the person, role, or future is gone — the nervous system searches for meaning. That searching is part of what brings many people into therapy. It’s not about erasing grief, but about finding new ways to carry it, understand it, and accept it.
Continuing Bonds, Not Letting Go
In the past, grief theories often encouraged “detachment” — a clean break from the person who died. We know that often created more trauma for the people grieving. But newer approaches, like Continuing Bonds Theory, recognize that maintaining a healthy inner connection can be part of healing.
In therapy, this might look like:
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Keeping a ritual that honours your loved one’s memory.
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Talking to them in journalling or meditation.
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Living out a value they embodied — kindness, courage, humour.
These actions don’t mean you’re “stuck.” They mean you’re integrating. The legacy of love becomes something you live, not something you lose. I’ve done this in my own life and I encourage it with my clients.
From Pain to Purpose — Without Pressure
Some clients worry that “finding meaning” will somehow betray their loss — that if they feel joy again, it means they’ve moved on or that they have abandoned the person or thing they have lost. But meaning-making isn’t about replacing pain with positivity (as those “supporting” us in grief often encourage — and which does not work). It’s about acknowledging that grief reshapes us.
Researcher and author David Kessler, in Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, describes this as a way to honour love through growth. We might channel it into creativity, community, advocacy, or simply living more intentionally. I know many of my clients have big wake up calls after a profound loss. They may realize they have been in relationship with themselves or others in ways that they will no longer tolerate; they may have wake up calls about other aspects of their lives they have ignored or put on hold; for others, it can open up parts of their heart they had walled off, bringing more empathy and compassion for others who are suffering. Those moments in the therapeutic process are incredible to witness and support.
But there’s no rush. Sometimes, the most meaningful thing we can do is simply allow ourselves to still miss them — and to keep living anyway.
Therapy as a Place to Integrate the Legacy
In therapy, we often explore both the emotional and somatic (body-based) aspects of grief. Using EMDR, parts work (IFS), or somatic mindfulness, we can help the nervous system safely revisit memories that feel unfinished — not to relive them, but to integrate them.
We might also work with different “parts” of you that carry grief in distinct ways:
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A part that still feels small and lost.
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A part that feels angry at the unfairness.
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A part that’s learning how to love again.
Together, we help these parts communicate, so that grief becomes less fragmented — and love, less painful to hold.
The Legacy of a Loss as an Ongoing Relationship
Over time, grief can shift from absence to presence. You might start to notice your loved one’s influence showing up in your choices — the way you parent, the work you do, the way you treat yourself and others.
That’s the legacy of love.
It doesn’t erase the pain, but it can coexist with it, sometimes even bringing comfort. In therapy, we often talk about how the loss becomes woven into your story — not as something to get over, but as something that continues to shape how you live and love.
Grief and Connection in a World That Moves Too Fast
Our culture often hurries grief along. But love doesn’t operate on a timeline. Allowing space for the legacy of loss — through community, ritual, or quiet reflection — is an act of resistance against the idea that we must “bounce back.”
As therapists, we witness how grief can deepen empathy, expand perspective, and help people connect with what truly matters. Grief can open us — sometimes painfully — to our shared humanity.
If You’re Still Searching for Meaning
If your grief still feels heavy, or you’re not sure what “healing” is supposed to look like, you’re not alone.
Therapy can offer a place to explore how love continues — to honour what you’ve lost, to understand how it’s shaped you, and to find gentler ways to live with both the ache and the gratitude that remain.
I offer in-person therapy in Hamilton and surrounding area. I offer online therapy for those across Ontario. Visit ontariotherapist.com to connect with me. I offer free, 15 minute consults to see if we are a good fit.
