There’s a specific pain I see in therapy that comes from spending a whole life trying to keep the peace. People often explain it in ways that sound more external, like: my mom’s too demanding, my boss is a jerk, my friends ask too much of me, my child is difficult, my partner doesn’t help enough, no one understands me. Or alternately it might all be internalized shame — like, what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do more? You may feel it when you say yes while your whole body is saying no. When you apologize for simply existing. When you shrink yourself in relationships so others can breathe easier. When you think, If I could just be a little less… me, everything would be fine.
People often come to therapy carrying this pain quietly through the outside world — often believing it’s a personal failure. It isn’t. People-pleasing, de-selfing, and enmeshment are not personality flaws. They are learned survival strategies, often passed down through families and reinforced by trauma, culture, gender expectations, or early experiences where authenticity came at a cost.
And while these patterns once kept you safe, they may now be the very things keeping you lonely, disconnected, resentful, or unsure of who you even are.
How People-Pleasing and De-Selfing Develop
As children, we adapt to the emotional ecosystems we grow up in. If conflict was scary, unpredictable, or punished… we learned to appease.
If love was conditional… we learned to perform and appease.
If a parent was emotionally overwhelmed… we learned to disappear; to need nothing; to be really independent.
If boundaries were ignored… we learned that having needs was “selfish.”
If trauma was present… we learned to stay small for safety.
People-pleasing becomes a nervous-system strategy:
If I can keep everyone else calm, maybe I’ll feel safe too.
De-selfing becomes a habit:
My needs don’t matter; other people’s needs keep me secure.
Enmeshment becomes the blueprint:
My sense of self depends on keeping others okay.
These aren’t choices. They’re survival instincts.
When Old Survival Strategies Become Today’s Suffering
The trouble is that these patterns don’t stay in childhood. They follow you into adult life — into romantic partnerships, friendships, workplaces, and even the relationship you have with yourself.
Common signs include:
• Saying yes automatically
• Feeling guilty for resting or disappointing someone
• Becoming the “emotionally responsible” one
• Struggling to identify your own preferences
• Fear of conflict or anger
• Difficulty making decisions without reassurance
• Feeling alienated, different, lonely, or “not fully here”
• Viewing yourself as “too sensitive,” “too much,” or “never enough”
This can lead to existential pain — not the dramatic movie kind, but the quieter, daily kind:
Why do I feel invisible? Why do I feel disconnected from myself? Why am I exhausted by being the dependable one? Why do I feel different from everyone around me? This can lead to resentment of others like our partners or colleagues who have less trouble saying no or prioritizing themselves sometimes.
A broad, relatable example
Imagine an adult who always puts others first — partner, kids, workplace, extended family. They are admired for being accommodating, generous, and “easygoing.” But when they come home, they often feel empty. They can’t name what they want. They can’t express anger. They over-function in every relationship. When someone asks what they need, they freeze, because no one ever asked before.
On the surface: a helpful, kind, reliable person.
Underneath: a lifetime of self-abandonment.
Healing: Not Learning New Behaviours, But Unlearning Old Ones
Therapy for people-pleasing and enmeshment is not about teaching you to become “assertive overnight” or telling you to “just set boundaries.” If only it were that simple.
The work is deep, gentle, and grounded:
1. Understanding the trauma roots
We explore where these patterns began — not to blame, but to understand.
2. Reconnecting with your body
You learn what safety, discomfort, anger, desire, and no actually feel like. Trauma lives in the body; so does healing.
3. Rebuilding identity
We explore preferences, values, limits, and desires that may have been buried for decades.
4. Practicing boundaries with compassion
Not walls, not ultimatums — simply the truth spoken kindly.
5. Tolerating disappointing others (the hardest part)
This is where real growth happens. You learn that telling the truth doesn’t destroy relationships — it clarifies them.
This is the kind of work I do: warm, honest, trauma-informed, deeply curious, grounded, and aimed at helping you find your authentic voice after years of shrinking, smoothing, and self-silencing.
If you’re ready to unlearn the old patterns…
I offer relationship therapy, individual therapy, trauma-informed care, and anxiety therapy online across Ontario and in-person in Hamilton, Burlington, and the Niagara region.
If you’re tired of losing yourself to keep the peace, therapy can help you reconnect with the voice you’ve worked so hard to mute.
Learn more or book a free consultation at ontariotherapist.com.
Disclaimer: This blog is educational and not a substitute for personalized psychotherapy or crisis support.
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