There is a particular kind of loneliness that comes with grieving while parenting—especially during the holidays. Parents often whisper things in therapy they would never say aloud anywhere else:
“I’m barely holding it together.”
“I’m crying in the shower so the kids don’t see.”
“I want to make this special for them, but I feel like I’m breaking.”
Grieving parents often feel torn between two truths: I’m hurting and I need to show up for my children. But it’s important to remember—your children don’t need a holiday hero. They need a present, authentic, emotionally-attuned caregiver, not a perfectly cheerful one.
One mother once shared, “When I finally told my daughter I was feeling sad, she just hugged me and said, ‘Me too.’ We both softened.” Kids often feel the grief already—they just need permission to express it safely.
In trauma-informed family therapy, I help parents understand how their grief and their children’s grief interact. Sometimes the parent is flooded with emotion while the child seems fine. Other times the parent is numb while the child cries at small triggers. Both patterns are normal. Children often express grief through behaviour, irritability, clinginess, or stomach aches—signals that their body is overwhelmed, not misbehaving.
My approach is always relational. We work on supporting your nervous system first, because your regulation becomes the anchor they lean into. When clients say, “I don’t have the energy to do a big holiday,” I often ask, “What would a gentle version of the holiday look like—for both of you?”
Often the answer is simple: fewer plans, more presence, small rituals, honest conversations, and space to feel.
Some families find healing in rituals—lighting a candle together, sharing a story, making a favourite recipe. Others can’t tolerate rituals yet, and that’s equally okay. Grief changes every year.
Through EMDR, IFS, and EFFT, we explore the root of the pain (the history, the attachment wound, the shock, the fear) while supporting the symptoms (exhaustion, shutdown, overwhelm, irritability). You don’t have to be perfect to support your child—you just have to be emotionally accessible enough.
If you’re grieving and parenting this holiday season, please know: you’re not failing. You’re human. And you deserve the same care you’re trying so hard to give.
Support is available in Hamilton and online across Ontario, with a free consult if you need a starting point.
#ParentingThroughGrief #ChildGriefSupport #FamilyHealing #EFFT #IFS #EMDR #HamiltonTherapist #OntarioTherapist
