Upcoming Spring holidays like Easter, Mother’s Day, or Thanksgiving, or Christmas can bring deep emotional challenges for those navigating grief—but particularly so when the grief is ambiguous. Ambiguous grief, a term coined by Dr. Pauline Boss, refers to losses that lack resolution or closure. Whether someone is physically present but emotionally absent (like with dementia), or emotionally gone due to estrangement while still alive, these experiences don’t follow the linear trajectory of traditional mourning—and they often go unrecognized.
This blog will explore how ambiguous grief manifests, how it differs from typical grief, and how we can better support ourselves and others navigating these complex emotional landscapes during the holidays and beyond.
Grief When Someone Dies vs. When They Are Still Alive
Traditional grief, such as the death of a loved one, typically includes rituals, social acknowledgement, and shared mourning. You’re expected—and allowed—to grieve.
Ambiguous grief, by contrast, is quieter, messier, and less socially supported. It may involve mourning someone who is still alive: a parent who no longer recognizes you due to Alzheimer’s, a sibling with addiction who’s emotionally unavailable, or a once-close family member now estranged. In these cases, the person remains in your world, yet the relationship you once had is gone. There’s no funeral. No community support. No endpoint.
Dr. Pauline Boss emphasizes that this kind of loss defies closure. “Ambiguous loss freezes the grief process,” she says. Without validation or rituals, healing becomes harder and isolation deepens.
The Pain of Family Estrangement
Family estrangement is a particularly painful example of ambiguous grief. The person is alive, but the relationship may be severed due to trauma, abuse, or painful history. You’re grieving the relationship that could have been, the parent or child you once knew or hoped for.
Leading grief experts underscore that ambiguous grief often coexists with guilt, regret, or anger—especially in estranged relationships. They suggest we don’t only grieve who someone was in our life, but also who “they failed to be for us,”.
For example, someone estranged from their mother might still ache on Mother’s Day, mourning the bond they never had or once shared. These mixed emotions can be difficult to name, let alone share.
Why Ambiguous Grief Feels So Unsupported
One of the most painful aspects of ambiguous loss is the lack of societal validation. When a loved one dies, others offer sympathy, send cards, and provide casseroles. But when someone is estranged or mentally lost to illness, grief becomes invisible.
People might say things like:
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“At least they’re still alive.”
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“Just forgive and move on.”
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“You should reach out.”
These well-meaning but dismissive comments deepen feelings of isolation. Ambiguous grievers often withdraw rather than explain a grief even they struggle to understand.
When Holidays Make It Harder
Holidays are steeped in expectations of family togetherness and joy. But for those grieving an absent loved one—physically or emotionally—these celebrations can intensify feelings of loss. Traditions become reminders of what’s missing.
You might feel alone in a crowded room. The sight of others enjoying their intact families can sting, highlighting your own invisible grief.
But holidays can also be a time to create new rituals, build meaning, and honour your own emotional reality.
How to Cope With Ambiguous Grief
Here are several strategies, drawn from current research, to help navigate ambiguous loss:
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Acknowledge your grief – Just because the loss is unclear doesn’t mean it’s not real.
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Name the loss – Say it out loud or journal it. “I miss the father I used to have or wish I had.” Naming can validate the pain.
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Adjust expectations – Release the fantasy of who someone used to be or could have been.
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Create rituals – Light a candle, write a letter, start a new tradition in honour of what was or what you hoped would be.
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Seek community – Connect with others who understand ambiguous grief.
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Set boundaries – You don’t owe access to someone who causes pain, even during the holidays.
How to Support Someone in Ambiguous Grief
If someone you care about is grieving a living loss, here’s how you can help:
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Listen without trying to fix – Just being present and saying “That sounds really hard” can be powerful.
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Validate their experience – Avoid minimizing statements like “At least they’re still around.”
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Be patient – This kind of grief doesn’t follow a timeline.
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Respect their boundaries – Don’t pressure them into reconciliation or holiday events they’re not ready for.
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Offer concrete help – A meal, a walk, or even texting “I’m thinking of you” can make a big difference.
Finding Meaning in the Midst of Loss
David Kessler reminds us that “meaning” doesn’t erase grief—but it can ease it. This might mean honouring someone through advocacy, art, or simply being the kind of parent or friend you needed yourself.
As Boss and Kessler both teach, it’s not about closure. It’s about learning to live meaningfully with the ambiguity—and still finding love, joy, and purpose.
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