There is a familiar kind of pain that comes from waiting for someone to acknowledge that they hurt you.
It can happen in a marriage.
Between parents and adult children.
Between siblings.
Sometimes between friends.
You may not even be asking for an enormous apology. You may simply want the other person to say:
“I understand why that hurt.”
“I can see what I did.”
“I wish I had handled that differently.”
Instead, years can pass.
And you keep waiting.
When the apology becomes part of the injury
The original hurt may have happened years ago. But the absence of acknowledgement can keep it alive in a different way.
You begin wondering:
Did they really not see what happened?
Did it not matter to them?
How can they carry on as though everything is fine?
Sometimes the person who caused the hurt has a completely different understanding of the event. They may genuinely remember it differently. They may believe they have already apologized. They may feel that they were the one who was hurt.
And sometimes they may simply not be willing to acknowledge what happened.
This is where relationships can become painfully stuck.
Each person can become increasingly certain of their own position while becoming less and less able to hear the other.
The courtroom of relationships
Jessica Benjamin‘s work offers a useful way of thinking about this.
She describes what can happen when people become locked into a “doer and done-to” dynamic. One person experiences themselves as the one who caused harm; the other experiences themselves as the one who was harmed. Each person’s reality can become increasingly dependent on proving the other person’s reality wrong.
You can see this in couples:
“You never listen to me.”
“Because you are always criticizing me.”
“I’m criticizing you because you never listen.”
And around it goes.
You can see it in families too:
“You abandoned me.”
“I had to protect myself from you.”
“You were the one who pushed me away.”
Everyone is waiting for the other person to acknowledge their version first.
Sometimes what we want isn’t forgiveness
This distinction matters.
A person may say they want an apology when what they really want is to know that their experience exists in the other person’s mind.
There is something profoundly lonely about telling someone, “That hurt me,” and feeling as though they respond with, “No, it didn’t.”
Acknowledgement does not necessarily mean agreement.
Someone can say:
“I remember it differently, but I understand that this was painful for you.”
That sentence may not resolve the disagreement.
But it creates room for two realities to exist.
And that room can be the beginning of something different.
The problem with waiting
There is also a painful truth about repair: we cannot make another person become ready to acknowledge something.
We can ask.
We can explain.
We can set boundaries.
We can make our own attempts at repair.
But we cannot force someone else to tolerate the shame, vulnerability or uncertainty required to look honestly at their part.
And this is where waiting can become its own form of suffering.
Sometimes people organize their emotional lives around the possibility that one day the other person will finally understand.
Maybe when they calm down.
Maybe when they get older.
Maybe when they become a parent themselves.
Maybe after another conversation.
Maybe if I explain it one more time.
Sometimes that acknowledgement eventually comes.
Sometimes it doesn’t.
Repair isn’t the same as reconciliation
This can be especially important in family conflict and estrangement.
I’ve blogged often on the topic of estrangement and work with many families dealing with estrangement. With all this work and training and research, I know that repair does not necessarily mean going back to the relationship exactly as it was. Actually, it can’t — which is where reconciliation can hit a snag.
It does not mean ignoring boundaries.
It does not mean pretending that serious harm did not happen.
And it does not mean that someone is entitled to forgiveness simply because they have finally said they are sorry.
Often, repair means or looks like rebuilding a relationship through repetitive changes in behaviour. In fact in betrayal recovery work, trust is rebuilt through repeated demonstrated and predictable change in behaviours.
That means changing the relationship.
And sometimes it means creating enough distance for both people to be safer.
And sometimes the work is grieving the fact that the acknowledgement you hoped for may never come.
That grief is real.
What can you do when you’re still waiting?
One of the difficult questions in therapy is whether it is possible to stop making your healing entirely dependent on another person’s willingness to repair.
That does not mean deciding that what happened didn’t matter.
Quite the opposite.
It may mean giving yourself permission to acknowledge what happened even if the other person cannot. That might mean expanding a narrative you have never felt entitled to.
To say:
“I know what this meant to me.”
“I know what I needed and didn’t receive.”
“I can wish they understood without spending the rest of my life trying to make them understand.”
And sometimes, unexpectedly, that shift changes what becomes possible.
You may become less interested in winning the argument and more interested in deciding what kind of relationship, if any, is possible now.
You may become able to hear their perspective without abandoning your own.
You may even become able to offer an acknowledgement of your own — not because you are surrendering your experience, but because you are no longer waiting for theirs before you can take responsibility for yours.
That is difficult work.
And it is often much slower than either person wants.
But relationships rarely heal because someone finally finds the perfect words.
They heal when people become able to tolerate enough discomfort to stay present with what is true.
Sometimes that means hearing, “I hurt you.”
Sometimes it means saying, “You hurt me.”
And sometimes the deepest work is learning how to live with the uncertainty of whether the other person will ever be able to hear it.
If you are struggling with a relationship where an old hurt continues to shape the present, therapy can provide a place to explore what happened, what you are still waiting for, and what repair might realistically look like.
I offer individual therapy, couples therapy, family therapy, stepfamily or blended family therapy, and relationship therapy more broadly in person in the Hamilton area and online across Ontario (Monday through Thursday primarily, earlier in the day). My approach is relational, attachment-based, and trauma-informed. My work helps people navigate relationship conflict, family difficulties, estrangement, grief, anxiety and patterns that have become difficult to change.
Contact me to arrange a free 15-minute consultation
*Consultations are brief opportunities to explore whether we may be a good fit; they are not psychotherapy sessions.
Read verified client feedback and professional endorsements: Psychology Today and Luminos. You can find my professional profiles through the links on my website.
Disclaimer: This blog is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for psychotherapy, medical advice, diagnosis, or individualized mental health care. Reading this article does not establish a therapist-client relationship.
Please see my approaches to: Couples & Relationship Therapy | Family Therapy | Adult Family Conflict & Estrangement | Grief & Loss Counselling | Individual Therapy
* Written with the help of AI
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