If you’ve ever thought, “I should be over this by now,” you’re not alone.
Many people who come to therapy about grief quietly carry a layer of shame. It’s not just about the loss itself, but about how long it still hurts. Anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays can reignite pain you thought had softened or disappeared. You might even find yourself crying at a song or scent years later, wondering, “Why am I still so sad?”
These moments aren’t signs that you’ve failed at healing. They’re signs that love still lives alongside loss.
The Myth of “Moving On”
In her book It’s OK That You’re Not OK, grief therapist Megan Devine challenges the cultural idea that grief is a problem to solve or a phase to complete. She reminds us that grief isn’t something we get over — it’s something we integrate into our lives.
We don’t stop loving the person who died, or the dream that ended. We slowly learn how to carry that love differently.
Yet our culture rewards quick recovery. People mean well when they say things like “They’d want you to be happy,” or “At least you had good years together,” but such comments can leave the grieving person feeling unseen. This gap between your inner reality and others’ expectations often turns sadness into shame. This only compounds grief.
Grief Bursts and Love Bursts
Grief expert David Kessler, co-author of On Grief and Grieving, describes how loss appears in “grief bursts” — unexpected surges of emotion that can strike at random. They might be triggered by a photograph, a familiar smell, or an ordinary day that suddenly feels heavy.
But Kessler also names “love bursts” — moments where the ache of absence blends with gratitude, tenderness, or a sense of presence. Recognizing both can soften self-judgment. In therapy, we might practice naming them aloud:
-
“This is a grief burst — it hurts because I still love deeply.”
-
“This is a love burst — I feel their presence, even through pain.”
Naming brings gentleness. You’re not regressing; you’re remembering.
The Legacy of a Loss
Every loss leaves a legacy — not just in what’s gone, but in what continues. The person, pet, relationship, or dream we mourn becomes part of our inner world. Over time, that presence can shift from sharp pain to quiet influence.
You might notice how their memory shapes your choices, your empathy, or how you show up for others. In therapy, we sometimes explore this ongoing bond — how you carry the relationship forward, rather than forcing yourself to “let go.”
Megan Devine calls this continuing bonds: a healthy and loving way to honour connection without getting stuck in more painful longing. It can mean keeping a ritual, speaking their name, or simply allowing the love to stay, even as life grows around it. The legacy of loss, then, becomes not just pain — but meaning.
Why Grief Feels Nonlinear
Grief is not a straight line. The work of both Devine and Kessler reminds us that healing is cyclical, not staged, not prescribed. You may feel grounded one month and blindsided the next. These emotional waves are part of the nervous system’s attempt to integrate something that changed your life forever.
In therapy, we explore these rhythms. Sometimes they’re tied to anniversaries; other times, they emerge when new milestones remind you of the person who should have been there. Understanding these cycles helps shift from frustration to compassion: “Of course this hurts. I’m remembering someone who mattered or something that mattered.”
Working with Shame in Grief Therapy
Shame often hides inside grief. You might feel embarrassed for “still” feeling sad, or guilty for laughing again. If you are a high functioning person that is used to taking care of others, the shame can feel even more intense. Therapy offers a space to hold both: to feel the sadness and the relief, to honour the loss and your capacity for joy.
Using Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT), somatic awareness, or mindful self-compassion, we begin to notice what shame feels like in the body — perhaps heaviness in the chest or tightening in the stomach. Bringing gentle curiosity, rather than judgment, helps release the pressure to perform “acceptable grief.”
As self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff reminds us, compassion is both gentle and fierce — gentle in soothing our pain, fierce in protecting our right to grieve in our own way.
The Many Faces of Grief
Grief doesn’t just follow death. We grieve relationships, health, fertility, homes, childhoods, and futures we imagined. There’s anticipatory grief when someone is ill, disenfranchised grief when the world doesn’t recognize our loss, and collective grief for the changes in our world.
Each asks for tenderness and recognition — not timelines or fixes.
If You’re Still Feeling the Ache
If your grief still feels raw — whether it’s been months or decades — you’re not behind. Grief is a measure of love, not of weakness. Therapy offers space to explore your cycles of pain, connection, and meaning; to honour the legacy of your loss; and to discover that healing doesn’t mean forgetting — it means living alongside what remains.
You don’t have to carry it alone. I see clients for grief therapy both in-person in the Hamilton, Ontario area and online across the province. I offer a 15 minute free consultation.
Learn more or book a session at ontariotherapist.com
#OntarioTherapist #HamiltonTherapy #GriefSupport #GriefTherapy #MeganDevine #DavidKessler #LoveBursts #GriefBursts #ContinuingBonds #ItsOKThatYoureNotOK #NonlinearGrief #MindfulSelfCompassion #HealingAfterLoss #OnlineTherapyOntario
