Why do the holidays — a time we’re supposed to feel joy — often bring up dread instead?
Some of my clients have confessed, “I feel guilty not wanting to go home… but I also feel sick to my stomach when I think about actually going.”
If this sounds familiar, you are far from alone.
Holiday gatherings have a way of activating family wounds: old roles, power struggles, subtle jabs, political conflict, or that one relative who refuses boundaries. For those navigating estrangement or considering it, this time of year can bring confusion, shame, grief, and even pressure from others to “just let it go.”
As a relational, trauma-informed psychotherapist, I help clients understand these reactions through in part, a family systems lens. We don’t just look at what is happening — we explore why, how it impacts your nervous system, and how to show up in ways that protect your emotional well-being.
Why Holidays Reactivate Old Wounds
In emotionally complex families, holidays tend to reinforce old dynamics. Research in family systems therapy shows that families unconsciously pull members back into the roles they’ve always played — the peacekeeper, the scapegoat, the fixer, the “strong one,” the lost child, and so on. Furthermore, if your family does a lot of triangulation, which is indirect communication about other members, usually with the goal of alliance building, this inevitably causes more chaos and drama – making things even worse.
This can leave you feeling:
•anxious
•obligated
•resentful
•guilty for wanting distance
•torn between loyalty and self-protection
In therapy, I often walk clients through parts work that help them identify wounded younger parts that get triggered by these gatherings. When these parts feel threatened, your body may shift into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn/please/appease, flop — even before the doorbell rings.
Navigating Estrangement (or Partial Estrangement)
Estrangement isn’t a failure — sometimes it’s an act of self-preservation.
Still, the emotional complexity is real. You may grieve the family you never had, feel relief, and still feel sad — all at once. Therapy with me focuses on helping you access internal clarity, regulate your nervous system, and make aligned decisions that honour your needs, not outdated family expectations.
If You’re Attending a Gathering: Strategies That Help
Together we may explore:
•Boundary scripts (“I’m not discussing that today.”)
•Exit plans
•Co-regulation tools (breathwork, grounding, visualization)
•Relational pacing
•Managing guilt and self-blame
•How to stay connected without over-functioning
These aren’t about being rigid — they’re about being resourced.
If You’re Not Attending
Skipping a gathering can bring peace and grief. You’re allowed both.
Therapy can help you process the emotional complexity, challenge old narratives around loyalty and duty, and support post-traumatic growth.
What It’s Like to Work With Me
My approach is warm, human, and grounded in trauma-informed, relational psychotherapy. While I draw from many different modalities, I tailor my approach to fit the person I see in front of me and what I feel might work best. This might include:
•EMDR-informed therapy, sometimes combined with IFS or parts work.
•EFT/EFFT
•Narrative
•Gottman & RLT (including Terrence Real’s work on patriarchal dynamics)
•Somatic regulation
•Mindful self-compassion
•Grief work
•CBT where helpful
•Family systems therapy
Whether you come as an individual, couple, or family, I help you get to the root causes, build emotional regulation skills, and cultivate healthier internal and external relationships.
I offer in-person and online therapy, and a brief free consultation to ensure we’re a good fit.
Disclaimer
This blog is educational only and not a substitute for psychotherapy, diagnosis, or medical advice.
If holiday family conflict is weighing on you, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Reach out to book a free consultation — let’s explore what healing and grounded clarity could look like for you. I offer in person therapy in Hamilton and surrounding region and online therapy across Ontario.
#familyestrangement, #holidaystress, #hamiltontherapist, #traumainformed
