If you’re in a relationship that’s struggling, it’s common to ask: Should I be in individual therapy too or should I switch to individual therapy? On the surface, it seems like a strong, proactive choice. More support, more insight, more growth. It’s natural to want as much support as possible.
But the reality is more nuanced.
As a therapist working with individuals and couples in Hamilton and across Ontario, I often see how individual therapy alongside couples therapy can either deepen the work — or quietly undermine it.
Let’s talk about both.
The Benefits of Doing Individual Therapy Alongside Couples Therapy
There are real advantages when individual therapy is used intentionally.
1. Space to process personal history
Couples therapy focuses on the relationship dynamic. It doesn’t always leave room to fully unpack your childhood, attachment wounds, or trauma history. Individual therapy can help you understand why certain patterns get activated.
2. Building emotional regulation
If you tend to shut down, become reactive, or feel overwhelmed in conflict, individual therapy can help you develop the capacity to stay present in couples sessions (couples therapy can also help you do that in the moment with your partner).
3. Accountability and self-reflection
Good individual therapy doesn’t just validate — it challenges. It helps you see your role in the dynamic, not just your partner’s.
When individual therapy is aligned with the goals of couples therapy, it can support meaningful change.
When Individual Therapy Starts to Undermine Couples Work
This is the part many people don’t expect.
Individual therapy can unintentionally pull against the progress you’re trying to make as a couple.
Here’s how:
1. It can reinforce a one-sided narrative
In individual therapy, your therapist only hears your perspective. Even the most skilled clinician is working with a partial picture.
Over time, this can solidify a story where:
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You feel more certain you’re “right” (no longer thinking relationally)
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Your partner becomes more pathologized (I hear partners often called narcissists)
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The relationship feels increasingly hopeless
Couples therapy, in contrast, is designed to hold both perspectives at once (even though I subscribe in part to Terrence Real’s approach with RLT that says therapists can take sides.
2. It can strengthen protective parts
From a parts work lens, individual therapy can sometimes strengthen protective parts — like the part of you that avoids conflict, blames, withdraws, or self-protects.
If those parts aren’t being worked with in the relational context, they can become more entrenched.
For example:
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A “self-protective” part may start advocating for distance or disconnection
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A “justifier” part may build a stronger case against your partner
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A “rescuer” part may over-focus on fixing yourself to avoid addressing relational patterns
Without integration into couples work, these parts can quietly sabotage connection.
3. It can create competing agendas
Couples therapy is about the relationship as the client.
Individual therapy is about you as the client.
Those goals don’t always align.
For example:
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Individual therapy may prioritize your comfort and boundaries
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Couples therapy may ask you to stretch, tolerate discomfort, and stay engaged
Neither is wrong—but without coordination, it can feel like you’re being pulled in two different directions.
4. It can reduce transparency
Sometimes, important relational dynamics get processed in individual therapy but never brought into the couples space.
This creates gaps:
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Things are talked about, but not with your partner
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Resentments build outside the relationship instead of being worked through within it
Couples therapy loses effectiveness when key emotional material isn’t brought into the room.
So… Should You Do Both?
It depends — but it needs to be intentional.
Doing both can work well when:
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Your individual therapist supports the goals of couples therapy
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There is clarity about what each space is for
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You are willing to bring relevant insights back into the relationship
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The work doesn’t become a place to vent instead of engage
In some cases, especially during active couples therapy, it may actually be more effective to pause or reduce individual therapy to stay focused on the relational work.
A More Integrated Approach
If you are doing both, here are a few grounding questions to keep things aligned:
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Am I using individual therapy to grow — or to avoid hard conversations?
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Am I becoming more open to my partner’s experience, or more certain of my own?
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Is this helping me show up differently in the relationship?
Therapy should move you toward connection, if that is your goal — not further into isolation.
Final Thoughts
Individual therapy can be powerful. Couples therapy can be transformative.
But they are not interchangeable — and when combined without intention, they can work at cross purposes.
If your goal is to improve your relationship, the work has to happen in the relationship.
Looking for support?
I offer individual, couples, and family therapy in Hamilton, Ontario, with a focus on attachment, emotional regulation, and relational repair. You can book a free 15-minute consultation to see if we’re a good fit.
Disclaimer: This blog is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
