Few things are more painful than feeling your child pulling away, going no contact or becoming estranged. This goes for younger and adult children.
In my therapy practice, parents might ask:
“Why won’t they talk to me anymore? Why won’t they come over? Why don’t they like my partner when they’re so nice?”
From an attachment lens, we look at distancing is not rejection—it’s often protection — protection from hard feelings, hard conversations, conflict with one or the other parent. Estrangement expert Dr Joshua Coleman refers to the pain of estrangement as trauma. As a trauma therapist in Hamilton, I see the signs. Parents often don’t know why.
Why Children Distance – especially after a separation or divorce.
Children may distance to:
• Avoid feeling caught in the middle or that they have to be responsible for your feelings.
• Protect themselves from emotional overwhelm (which may also be thought of as avoidance)
• Manage loyalty conflicts
• Cope with unresolved hurt
For some, especially teens and adult children, distance is a way to regain control. For a parent however, it feels terrible.
The Parent’s Experience
Parents often feel:
• Rejected
• Angry
• Desperate to fix things
This can lead to:
• Overpursuing (pushing for connection)
• Withdrawal (giving up, turning away, lashing out, or collapsing)
In my work with parents, I tell them that both responses can unintentionally reinforce distance.
Instead, I encourage more consistent, regulated presence:
• Gentle check-ins
• Non-defensive listening with empathetic responses
• Respect for boundaries
Connection rebuilds slowly—through safety, not pressure.
Estrangement expert Joshua Coleman talks about repairing without forcing
Repair might sound like:
• “I may not fully understand, but I want to.”
• “I’m here when you’re ready.”
These moments matter more than big gestures.
If your child is distancing after separation, therapy can help you navigate potential reconnection without escalating the disconnection. It may also help reconnecting to yourself, your grief, and a changing identity as a parent which can be particularly painful.
I offer free 15 minute free consultations by phone. I offer in-person and online therapy for parents and their adult children. Please know I do not work with young children or with the courts mandating reunification therapy between minors and their parents.
Disclaimer:This blog is not a replacement for professional mental health care.
#ParentChildRelationship #AttachmentHealing #DivorceRecovery
