If you’ve ever tried to tell your partner something important (or even not that important) and they responded with, “Sorry—what?” or worse — nothing — because they were scrolling, you’ve experienced phubbing. It’s phone + snubbing. And while the term sounds playful, the impact on relationships is anything but.
In my couples therapy practice, I see the many ways that phubbing and tech more broadly interrupts connection (with kids, friends and partners). It is now a common sources of conflict (add to that kids, work and pets). Not because people are necessarily addicted to their phones (although tech companies design them that way), but because phubbing communicates something deeper: You’re here, but you’re not with me. It leaves people feeling very alone in their intimate relationships.
The Nervous System Cost of Constant Distraction
Attachment research tells us that partners regulate each other through micro-interactions — eye contact, tone, gestures, presence. Phones disrupt these signals. At least one study found that even a phone on the table, unused, decreases perceived empathy and connection in conversations.
We don’t just lose attention.
We lose relational safety. That can leave us feeling alone and lonely in our relationships.
Esther Perel talks about a new kind of loneliness — one that involves a loss of connection and trust, while we are next to the person who we look to to feel less lonely. Add to that, the feeling of FOMO as you watch other, perfectly curated social media profiles (in these very moments) — many of whom include people we don’t even know. If we think about this in the context of tech use and phubbing, I’m reminded of the term “ambiguous loss” which is something I have written about in previous blogs. It’s the loss we feel when someone is there but not really there (think dementia or estrangement). That kind of grief is tough to fix.
Consider these kinds of cases: “He’s not cheating, but it feels like a betrayal.”
A man in his 40s describes his partner’s nightly scrolling as something like “death by a thousand cuts”. He stopped trying to penetrate that wall anymore — physically or emotionally. Their partner was too deep into Reddit threads. While his partner insisted they could “listen and scroll,” his body knew it wasn’t true and he turned away.
In emotionally focused therapy (EFT), we explore the underlying message:
“I don’t matter enough to disrupt your distraction.”
Once he understood that his scrolling wasn’t about the content but the disconnection, he began turning his phone off at a certain time in the evenings. Not because he was wrong, but because their bond mattered.
Case Example 2: The Couple Who Shared a Bed with Three Phones
A younger couple came in complaining of irritability, poor sleep, and feeling “like roommates.” They both scrolled until they fell asleep. Their intimacy had quietly eroded.
Through session work, they replaced scrolling with a 10-minute “closing ritual”—a brief check-in about their day. It wasn’t magical. But within weeks, resentment softened. Their nervous systems recalibrated to each other rather than to glowing screens.
Why Midlife Couples Are Especially Vulnerable
Generation X and older millennials are squeezed between caring for children, ageing parents, demanding jobs, and depleted energy. Phones become the easiest form of escape — predictable, soothing, numbing.
But in midlife, relationships depend less on novelty and more on maintenance, something our devices teach us to neglect.
Phubbing is often a displacement of:
• Exhaustion
• Emotional overwhelm
• Avoidance of conflict
• Fear of intimacy
• Habit and dopamine loops
The Tech Industry Knows Exactly What It’s Doing
Apps are designed to keep you scrolling. Infinite scroll, notifications, autoplay, streaks—these aren’t accidents; they’re behavioural conditioning.
Understanding this removes the shame couples often feel.
This isn’t a moral failure.
It’s a design feature.
So What Do We Do?
Five Therapist-Informed Strategies**
1. Make a “tech intention” instead of a rule.
Rules trigger rebellion. Intentions create collaboration.
For example: “Let’s both aim to be more present during dinner.” I actually ask really disconnected couples to create no-phone zones during meals or for 15 minutes when they return from work — just to have time to reconnect. Some couples have stopped eating together or even acknowledging each other when they finish work. We work to re-install rituals of connection.
2. Use the 5% rule.
Change 5% of your tech habits. That’s enough to shift connection. Sometimes we try to do too much too fast. That’s a recipe for failure. Start small.
3. Create micro-moments of presence.
Turn toward your partner for 5–10 seconds at a time. Set up times for something called “Intentional Dialogue” and “appreciation dialogue”. Yes it’s self conscious but isn’t it better than disconnections? Research shows this increases bonding hormones significantly.
4. Name the emotional impact, not the behaviour.
Instead of: “You’re always on your phone,” (this is criticism)
Try: “When you scroll during our time, I feel alone.” (this is more assertive)
5. Replace tech with rituals, not emptiness.
Humans don’t do well with voids. Replace scrolling with something relational:
• A shared tea
• A 10-minute nightly check-in
• Sitting close without talking
• A morning greeting ritual
Moving Forward
Phubbing isn’t about phones.
It’s about presence, attention, and the deep longing to feel chosen in small, ordinary moments.
When couples begin to understand this, repair becomes possible. A relationship doesn’t fall apart overnight — it erodes through micro-disconnections.
But it can also be rebuilt through micro-intimacies.
And in a world engineered for distraction, choosing each other — intentionally, even imperfectly — is one of the most radical acts of love we have left. If tech loneliness has become the norm in your relationships, it’s not too late to make some radical acts to change that.
If any of this resonates, please reach out for a consultation. I offer free 15 minute phone consults. I offer individual, couples and family therapy in-person in Hamilton and across Ontario online.
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