If you are estranged from family this season, you may already be exhausted from holding it all together, or from looking for a friend (or therapist) to talk to, who can truly understand what you are going through without trying to “fix it”. Maybe you’re wondering if anyone can truly understand the pain of not speaking to your parent, sibling, or adult child — especially when the holidays amplify what’s missing. You might look “functional” on the outside, but those who have experienced the pain of estrangement know that inside there’s a quiet grief that flares at family gatherings, empty chairs, or well-meaning questions like, “Are you going home for the holidays?”
Family estrangement isn’t rare — and it’s rarely simple.
Research by Dr. Joshua Coleman, a leading psychologist on family estrangement, suggests that roughly 1 in 4 adults experience estrangement from a close family member at some point. Sociologist Dr. Karl Pillemer, whose work focuses on intergenerational relationships, emphasizes something equally important: most estrangements exist on a spectrum, not as a permanent “cut-off.”
Different Kinds of Estrangement
Estrangement doesn’t always mean total silence. It can look like:
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Limited contact filled with tension
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Emotional distance despite regular communication
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Holiday-only interactions that feel hollow or volatile
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No contact at all, sometimes chosen, sometimes imposed
The reasons are just as varied: divorce and loyalty binds, in-law conflict, parental alienation, untreated mental illness, addiction, value differences, abuse, or long-standing relational wounds. Social media has popularized the idea that “no contact” is always empowering — but Coleman cautions against treating estrangement as a trend rather than a deeply contextual decision.
Ambiguous Loss & Disenfranchised Grief
One of the most painful aspects of estrangement is that the person is still alive — just unreachable. This is known as ambiguous loss, a term coined by Pauline Boss, and it often leads to disenfranchised grief: grief that isn’t socially recognized or supported.
For many estranged clients, the grief is complicated by anticipatory regret — a term from sociologist Karl Pillemer describing the fear of how a decision may feel later in life. Holidays often intensify this, bringing questions like: “What if I regret this someday?” Therapy helps clients explore these questions without turning them into obligations or self-betrayal.
Consider this example:
A woman in her 40s describes dreading December. Her mother is alive, but they haven’t spoken in three years after a rupture involving her divorce. Friends tell her she’s “better off,” yet she feels untethered — unsure how to grieve someone who still exists.
Therapy creates space for this kind of grief — without rushing reconciliation or reinforcing avoidance.
How Therapy With Me Approaches Estrangement
In my work with clients across Hamilton, Burlington, Niagara, and across Ontario, I don’t assume estrangement is either good or bad, but I do recognize the pain it can cause. We explore:
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What led to the rupture (without minimizing harm)
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What the estrangement protects you from — and what it costs you
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How this fracture echoes across generations
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Whether reconciliation is desired, possible, or not — right now
Drawing from Coleman’s clinical framework and Pillemer’s research on repair, we focus on readiness, not pressure. Therapy may involve grief work, boundary clarification, parts-based exploration, and trauma-informed processing — not scripts or forced forgiveness.
Why Some Reconciliations Fail — and Others Don’t
Pillemer’s research shows reconciliation is more likely when at least one party is willing to reduce blame and tolerate discomfort. Coleman adds that success often depends on addressing power dynamics and unresolved emotional injuries — not just resuming contact.
Even when reconciliation isn’t possible, therapy helps clients reclaim meaning, stability, and emotional agency. It can also address the traumatic wounds and attachment injuries sustained before, leading up to, or during estrangement.
Local, In-Person & Online Support
I offer in-person therapy in Hamilton and the surrounding areas, as well as secure online therapy across Ontario. Many clients find in-person work especially grounding during the holiday season, when estrangement pain feels embodied and acute.
Call to Action
If estrangement is quietly shaping your holidays, relationships, or sense of self, you don’t have to carry it alone. Therapy can help you grieve what was lost, understand what happened, and decide what comes next — on your terms. I am relational and trauma informed in my approach.
Learn more or send me an email for a consultation at www.ontariotherapist.com
Disclaimer
This blog is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for psychotherapy or mental health treatment.
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