Healing isn’t just about what happened to you. It’s about learning to relate to yourself, others, and the world in a new way.
When people think about trauma, they often imagine a single event.
A car accident.
A violent assault.
A natural disaster.
A frightening medical diagnosis.
Sometimes trauma is exactly that.
But many of the people I meet in therapy don’t describe one dramatic moment.
Instead, they describe years.
Years of walking on eggshells.
Years of never feeling quite good enough.
Years of trying to earn love.
Years of unpredictable parenting.
Years of criticism.
Emotional neglect.
Bullying.
Infertility.
Pregnancy loss.
Divorce.
Family conflict.
Estrangement.
A relationship that slowly chipped away at their confidence.
Or grief that changed everything.
They may say something like,
“I don’t even recognize myself anymore” or “I don’t know who I am.”
These sentences stick with me because I don’t think it’s just describing trauma.
I think it’s describing a relationship.
The relationship someone has with themselves.
Trauma Doesn’t Just Change What You Remember
One misconception about trauma is that it’s simply a memory neatly stored somewhere in the brain.
If only it were that simple.
Trauma changes the way we experience ourselves.
It changes what feels safe.
Who feels trustworthy.
How quickly we might become overwhelmed.
Whether we believe our emotions make sense.
Whether we listen to our instincts.
Whether we believe we’re worthy of love.
Trauma can quietly reshape the questions we ask ourselves every day.
Instead of asking,
“What do I need?”
we begin asking,
“What will keep everyone else happy?”
Instead of asking,
“What do I want?”
we wonder,
“What am I supposed to do?”
Instead of trusting our bodies…
We second-guess them.
Instead of trusting ourselves…
We search for reassurance from everyone else.
Eventually, we may not even notice we’ve stopped having a relationship with ourselves at all.
Grief Changes Relationships Too
Grief is often talked about as something we “move through.”
I don’t experience it that way.
Grief changes our relationships.
It changes our relationship with the person or thing we’ve lost.
It changes our relationship with time.
With traditions.
With holidays.
With family.
With our identity.
Sometimes it even changes our friendships because not everyone knows how to stay close to someone whose world has been turned upside down.
One of the most painful things I hear from grieving clients isn’t only,
“I miss them.”
It’s also, like I stated earlier,
“I don’t know who I am anymore.”
The partner who became a widow.
The son whose father died.
The mother after pregnancy loss.
The adult child or parent after estrangement.
The person after divorce.
The individual after infertility.
These aren’t simply losses of people or dreams.
They’re losses of identity.
Healing often involves rebuilding that relationship with ourselves while carrying love for what has been lost.
We Heal in Relationships
Attachment researchers understand that our earliest relationships teach us what to expect from ourselves and from other people.
Do people come when I need them?
Am I too much?
Do my feelings matter?
Can I trust someone?
Can I trust myself?
Those early experiences become templates.
Not permanent ones.
But powerful ones.
They influence friendships.
Dating.
Marriage.
Parenting.
Work.
Even the relationship we have with our own inner voice.
Sometimes that voice sounds remarkably like someone from our past.
Critical.
Demanding.
Impossible to satisfy.
Other times, it’s absent altogether.
Some people tell me they have no idea how to comfort themselves.
No idea how to slow down.
No idea what they actually need.
That isn’t because they’re broken.
It may be because no one modelled that relationship for them.
Therapy Is a Relationship Before It’s a Technique
People often ask therapists these days what approach they use.
EMDR?
Emotionally Focused Therapy?
Attachment?
Family Systems?
IFS?
Trauma therapy?
The answer is…yes.
But before any technique comes something else.
A relationship.
Research consistently shows that one of the strongest predictors of successful therapy isn’t a specific modality.
It’s the quality of the therapeutic relationship.
That makes sense to me.
Because healing from relational wounds rarely happens in isolation.
It happens in new relational experiences.
Experiences where someone doesn’t shame your emotions (though errors DO occur with human therapists, and both clients and therapists bring their own histories, temperaments, memories to the therapy room — and if we’re lucky, we work to repair them together).
Where you don’t have to earn compassion (though not be confused with only affirmation).
Where curiosity replaces judgment and where you feel safe to explore feeling judged.
Where your nervous system gradually learns that it no longer has to stay on high alert.
From there, evidence-based approaches like EMDR, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Emotionally Focused Family Therapy (EFFT), Attachment-based therapy, Family Systems Therapy, and other trauma-informed approaches can help people process painful experiences, understand longstanding patterns, and reconnect with parts of themselves that have been hidden by survival adaptations.
The Relationship We Rarely Talk About
Of all the relationships we have in our lives, there is one we often neglect.
The relationship with ourselves.
Not in a self-help sense.
Not in a “love yourself” slogan.
They’re OK too. But instead…
Can you listen to yourself?
Can you comfort yourself?
Can you trust your own instincts?
Can you notice when you’re overwhelmed before you collapse?
Can you forgive yourself for surviving in the ways you needed to?
Can you become someone your younger self would have felt safe with?
To me, this is where grief, trauma, attachment, anxiety, family relationships, and healing all meet.
Because healing isn’t only about changing your relationship with the past.
It’s about changing your relationship with yourself in the present.
And that changes every other relationship too.
Stay Tuned for Part 2.
Looking for Relationship Therapy Ontario?
If you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, frustrated, or exhausted, in your relationship to yourself or to others, know you’re not alone.
I offer therapy for individuals, couples, families, grief, trauma, blended family and co-parenting and parenting challenges, and relationship concerns from an attachment-based, trauma-informed, and relational perspective.
I offer both in-person therapy in Hamilton, Ontario, and online therapy across Ontario.
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If you’re navigating the challenges of blending families, parenting teenagers, remarriage, grief, or family conflict, I invite you to reach out for a free 15-minute consultation. Together we can explore what is happening beneath the surface and help your family build stronger, more secure connections.
Disclaimer: This blog is intended for educational purposes only and does not constitute psychotherapy, mental health treatment, or professional advice. Reading this article does not establish a therapist-client relationship. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, please seek immediate professional support.
Verified client feedback and Professional Endorsements can be found on Luminos and Psychology Today
