There is a particular kind of anxiety that belongs to parents in September.
Your son is moving into residence. Your daughter is starting university. Your teenager is heading into their final year of high school. Your young adult is returning to school after a difficult semester.
And you are watching.
You may be wondering: Should I call? Should I check in? Should I encourage them to talk to someone? Should I leave them alone? What if they are not eating properly? What if they fail? What if they quit?
The problem is that parenting a young adult comes with a frustrating change in job description.
You still care enormously.
You just have less control.
For many parents, this is where back-to-school anxiety becomes a family issue rather than something happening inside one young person’s nervous system.
A parent sees distress and moves toward it. The young adult feels watched and may pull away. The parent worries that the withdrawal means things are getting worse, so they may ask more questions, send more reminders, offer more solutions or quietly start managing things again.
The young adult experiences this as pressure or interference or a lack of belief in their abilities.
The parent experiences the young adult’s response as rejection or evidence that they are not coping.
And around it goes.
This does not necessarily mean anyone is doing anything wrong. In fact, it often means everyone is trying to solve the same problem from a different position.
Parents are accustomed to being the scaffolding.
They schedule appointments. Remember deadlines. Notice when something is off. Talk to teachers. Arrange tutoring. Drive. Remind. Research. Advocate.
Then suddenly the young person is supposed to become the person who notices, decides, organizes and asks for help.
That transition can be uncomfortable for both sides.
Research on post-secondary transitions consistently points to the psychological demands of increased independence, changing relationships and new academic and social environments. For young adults who are already vulnerable to anxiety or depression, the transition can be particularly significant.
But there is an important distinction between supporting a young adult and taking over for them.
Sometimes parents are not actually struggling with their child’s anxiety as much as they are struggling with their own anxiety about their child’s anxiety.
That distinction matters.
A parent may think, “I just want to help.”
And underneath that may be, “I cannot tolerate watching my child struggle.”
Those are not the same thing.
Therapy can be a place to explore that difference without turning either the parent or the young adult into the problem. Sometimes the work is with the young person around anxiety, identity, confidence and independence. Sometimes the work is with the parent around boundaries, worry, changing roles and learning how to remain connected without managing every outcome.
And sometimes the family needs help understanding the cycle they have fallen into together.
The goal is not for parents to stop caring.
It is not to become cold, detached or “hands-off.”
It is to develop a relationship that can hold a young adult’s growing independence without interpreting every struggle as a crisis.
Because becoming an adult is not a clean handoff.
There will be mistakes. There may be bad semesters, loneliness, changing majors, failed exams, difficult roommates and decisions parents would never make themselves.
That does not automatically mean something has gone terribly wrong.
Sometimes growing up requires a young person to discover, “I can struggle and still find my way.”
And sometimes parents have to discover something alongside them:
“I can love my child deeply without being responsible for making their life go well.”
That can be a very different kind of back-to-school lesson.
If you are struggling with how to support an anxious teenager or young adult without becoming overwhelmed, overinvolved or disconnected, I offer individual and family therapy in-person in Hamilton and online across Ontario. Explore my Anxiety Therapy, Family Therapy and Individual Therapy services, or contact me for a free 15-minute consultation.
Disclaimer: This article is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for psychotherapy, medical advice or individualized mental health care. Reading this article does not establish a therapeutic relationship.
About Cortney: Cortney Pasternak is a Registered Psychotherapist offering warm, direct, trauma-informed and relational therapy for older adolescents, adults, couples and families. She offers in-person therapy in Hamilton and online therapy across Ontario.
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