You thought it might feel different by now.
Maybe it’s been months—or even years—since your loss. On the outside, life has continued. But internally, something still feels raw, unresolved, or quietly overwhelming.
If you’ve found yourself asking, “Why am I not over this yet?”—you’re not alone. And more importantly, you’re not doing grief “wrong.”
The Myth of “Moving On”
One of the most harmful ideas about grief is that it should follow a predictable timeline. In reality, grief is deeply individual and shaped by your relationship, your history, and the nature of the loss.
David Kessler speaks about a “sixth stage” of grief: meaning. Not closure—but finding a way to live with the loss while still engaging in life.
Sometimes, however, grief becomes stuck—not because you are weak, but because something about the loss was too complex, overwhelming, or unsupported to process fully.
When Grief Becomes Complicated
Complicated grief (or prolonged grief) can feel like being emotionally frozen in the loss. You may experience:
- Persistent longing or yearning for the person
- Difficulty accepting the reality of the loss
- Avoidance of reminders—or the opposite, feeling unable to disengage
- Feelings of guilt around the loss
- A sense that life has lost its meaning
- Identity disruption (not knowing who you are without a person or job or role)
This isn’t about “not trying hard enough.” It often reflects deeper emotional, relational, or neurological processes that need support to move.
The Impact of Traumatic Loss
If your loss was sudden, violent, or unexpected, your nervous system may still be in survival mode.
You might notice:
- Flashbacks or intrusive images
- Anxiety, panic, or hypervigilance
- Emotional numbing or detachment
In these cases, grief is intertwined with trauma. Approaches like EMDR can help the brain reprocess distressing memories so they no longer feel as immediate or overwhelming.
The Pain of Disenfranchised and Ambiguous Grief
Some grief is not openly acknowledged.
Disenfranchised grief occurs when others minimize or fail to recognize your loss—such as infertility, miscarriage, estrangement, or the loss of a non-traditional relationship.
Ambiguous loss, as described by Pauline Boss, involves losses without closure. For example:
- A loved one with dementia
- Addiction or mental health struggles
- Family estrangement
These forms of grief can be especially painful because they lack validation and resolution.
How Therapy Supports Healing at Both Symptom and Root Levels
Effective grief therapy goes beyond coping strategies. It helps address both the symptoms (anxiety, sadness, intrusive thoughts) and the root causes (attachment wounds, unresolved emotions, trauma).
In my practice, I integrate:
- EMDR for trauma and stuck grief responses
- Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to access and process core emotional experiences
- Parts work to understand internal conflicts (e.g., a part that wants to grieve and a part that wants to shut it down)
- Attachment-based approaches to explore how your bonds shape your grief
Here are some composite examples of how grief shows up in our lives:
1) Jason lost his partner after a long illness. While others expected him to feel relief, he felt overwhelming guilt and sadness. He struggled to talk about the loss because people kept saying, “At least they’re not suffering anymore.”
2) Sharon suffered a second miscarriage. While others kept telling her to “stay positive” and that “at least she could try for more”, she also felt overwhelming sadness, worry about future pregnancies and guilt — wondering if she had done something to cause the miscarriage.
3) Frank discovered his spouse had been having multiple affairs throughout their marriage. Frank experienced shock and grief about the marriage and life he thought he had been living, and shame after sharing with others. He had shared with a few people who said things such as “You should have known” or “How could you not know”? His “support system” was more interested in whether he would stay or go than how he was doing. He experienced sleep disturbances, the inability to eat, worry, rumination, and deep sadness about the life he had given to the relationship and the deep feelings of betrayal.
4) Sam made a quick decision to put down their beloved, elderly dog after a short illness and trip to the vet. In the moment, they felt some pressure due to a variety of factors. Afterward, they were wracked with guilt for over a year, about whether they had done all they could, and whether they “took” their dog’s life. They could not work through the grief of their pet loss because they were caught up in guilt and shame about the end of life decision. This led them to avoid looking at photos or visiting the little burial site, which compounded grief and guilt further. They also felt added shame for feeling so strongly about an animal’s death.
In therapy, we create space for the full complexity of how grief shows up —love, anger, relief, shame, guilt — without judgment. Through this process, we work to help clients reconnect with themselves and find ways to carry loss without being defined by it.
You Are Allowed to Seek Support
You do not need to justify your grief. You do not need to wait until it becomes unbearable.
If your grief feels:
- Stuck
- Isolating
- Confusing
- Overwhelming
Therapy can help you make sense of it—at your pace, in your way.
If you’re navigating grief and wondering whether therapy could support you, I invite you to connect.
I’m Cortney Pasternak, Registered Psychotherapist, offering in-person therapy in Hamilton and the surrounding region, and virtual counselling across Ontario.
You can book a free 15-minute consultation to ask questions and explore whether this feels like the right fit for you.
Disclaimer
This content is intended for educational purposes only and does not replace professional mental health advice or therapy. Engaging with this blog does not establish a therapeutic relationship. If you are in immediate distress, please contact emergency services or a crisis line in your area.
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