A major relationship researcher recently stated that stepfamilies or blended families are now as common if not more common than first families in our part of the world. Makes sense with the divorce rate. And stepfamily researchers say traditional family therapy doesn’t cut it for treatment because it doesn’t take into account all the new factors affecting the parent- child and couple relationship.
In my work, I see all members of these new families. Often it’s the newer couple coming to me, arguing about a child and stepchild.
And it’s also an adult or older teen child who is struggling with their own confusing emotions when a parent repartners. It can look like any of the following:
Maybe a parent has remarried.
Maybe they have been with their partner for years.
Maybe you, the adult child actually like their new spouse.
And yet something about the relationship still bothers you.
You might feel irritated when your parent talks about “our family” or find it becomes uncomfortable to talk about the family that truly feels like “yours”.
You may resent how quickly the new partner became part of family traditions. Or how traditions you cherished were replaced (I knew of one family where the new stepparent hated the traditional foods associated with a particular holiday, and replaced them with agreement from the parent, with takeout, much to the horror of the older teen and emerging adult children).
You might feel as though your time with your parent has been taken away or the ability to talk about things that bother you has been removed.
Or perhaps you just find yourself withdrawing, becoming sarcastic, angry, irritable, or strangely emotional in other ways — and then feeling embarrassed because you are an adult.
You may even wonder:
“Why am I reacting like this? I should be over it by now.”
Maybe not.
Being an Adult Doesn’t Erase Your Attachment to Your Parent or your Family
When we become adults, our relationships with our parents change.
But attachment does not simply disappear because we move out, become independent or build our own lives.
A parent’s remarriage or repartnering can activate feelings that seem surprisingly young.
You may suddenly want more reassurance.
You may become more sensitive to who gets your parent’s attention.
You may feel left out or without a voice when traditions change.
You may resent being expected to welcome someone into a family role you never agreed to.
And you may dislike these reactions precisely because they don’t fit the adult version of yourself that you know.
This is one reason family systems and attachment perspectives can be useful. They invite us to look not only at what someone is doing today, but at the relationship history and emotional patterns surrounding it.
Stepfamilies Don’t Start From Zero
Patricia Papernow’s work on stepfamily development has been influential because it reminds us that stepfamilies are structurally different from first families.
A first family generally develops its routines and relationships gradually.
A stepfamily is created by bringing together relationships that already exist.
That means there may already be a parent-child relationship with years of history behind it.
There may also be another biological parent, a divorce, a death, previous family traditions, old wounds or unresolved grief.
Then a new partner enters.
Even when everyone is acting in good faith, the system changes.
Papernow describes developmental stages including Fantasy, Immersion, Awareness, Mobilization, Action, Contact and Resolution. These aren’t a checklist or a rigid timeline. They are a way of understanding how stepfamilies may move from idealized expectations into greater awareness, negotiation and eventually more realistic connection.
Sometimes adult children are affected by these transitions even when they don’t live in the family home.
“Why Are They Trying to Make Us a Family?”
One of the most painful experiences for an adult child can be feeling that a parent is trying to erase the family that existed before and force something new – especially on a time frame that doesn’t work for the child or without proper processing.
You might hear:
“Now we’re all family.”
“Your stepmother really wants to be close to you.”
“Can’t we all just spend Christmas together?”
“You need to give him a chance.”
None of these statements are necessarily unreasonable.
But they can feel very different depending on what happened before.
Maybe you didn’t get enough time alone with your parent after the relationship began.
Maybe you were introduced to the new partner before you were emotionally ready.
Maybe your parent seemed to prioritize the new relationship.
Maybe family traditions changed without much conversation.
Maybe your parent expected enthusiasm when you were still grieving.
Or perhaps nobody ever acknowledged that you lost something too.
The Anger May Be About More Than the Stepparent
This is where I think it can be helpful to slow down.
You may be angry at the new spouse.
It makes sense but in therapy with me, we only look at the new spouse as part of the problem. It’s about so much more often that needs unpacking.
Sometimes anger toward a stepparent contains grief about the parent or co-parent.
Or disappointment.
Or a fear of being replaced.
Or resentment about lost time.
Or sadness that your family didn’t stay the way you expected.
That doesn’t mean your anger is wrong.
It means it may be carrying more information than you initially realized.
The question isn’t necessarily:
“How do I stop being angry?”
It might be:
“What does my anger seem to be protecting?”
You Don’t Have to Choose Between Acceptance and Rejection
There is another false choice that can develop in stepfamilies:
Either you embrace the new family completely or you are rejecting your parent’s happiness (and your stepparents’ happiness – who, feeling unappreciated, often have strong reactions themselves to a child’s negative reaction as well. It’s not easy!)
But you can love your parent and dislike some of their choices.
You can care about their spouse without wanting a parent-child relationship with them.
You can attend family events and still need one-on-one time with your parent.
You can accept that the family has changed while grieving what you lost.
You can set boundaries without cutting everyone off.
That middle ground can be difficult.
It can also be where adult relationships become more honest.
Therapy Isn’t About Proving Your Parent Wrong
If you come to therapy angry about your parent’s remarriage, I will work to show curiosity and compassion – and may include therapy with a trauma and attachment lens. But my approach will also be to look at the broader system and to think a little more relationally.
Your experience matters.
But so does your agency.
We can explore what happened, what you needed and need, what you didn’t receive, what you may still be grieving—and what you want your relationship with your parent to look like now.
Sometimes the work is about setting a boundary.
Sometimes it is about having a difficult conversation.
Sometimes it is about grieving.
Sometimes it is about understanding why you keep withdrawing even though part of you wants connection.
And sometimes it is about learning how to stay connected without pretending that everything is okay.
If you’re interested in understanding the larger family pattern, you may also want to explore my work on Blended Family & Stepfamily Therapy, particularly the ways attachment, grief, loyalty and family systems can interact.
You don’t have to decide that everyone else is wrong before you can understand yourself.
If your parent’s remarriage, repartnering or blended family has brought up anger, withdrawal, grief or confusion that you don’t fully understand, individual therapy can provide a place to slow things down.
I work with older teens and adults, including adult children navigating complicated family relationships, remarriage, estrangement, grief and changing relationships with parents.
Additionally, I work with parents and stepparents who want to improve their part of the system that doesn’t seem to work.
I offer in-person therapy in Hamilton and surrounding areas, as well as online therapy across Ontario.
If you’d like to explore whether therapy might be a good fit, I offer a free 15-minute consultation.
Disclaimer
This blog is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for psychotherapy, mental health assessment or individualized professional advice. Reading this article does not establish a therapist-client relationship.
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