Divorce or separation can be an incredibly difficult experience for everyone involved, especially for children. The emotional toll it takes on them is often underestimated, leaving them with feelings of confusion, sadness, and even anger. As a parent, it can be challenging to know how to best support your child during such a turbulent time. One of the most effective ways to help your child adjust is through therapy, a supportive space where they can process their emotions and develop healthy coping strategies.
Developmental Impact of Divorce on Children
Children process and react to divorce in different ways, depending on their age and developmental stage. For younger children, especially those under 6, the concepts of separation and divorce can be difficult to grasp. They may experience feelings of abandonment or fear, as they struggle to understand why one parent is no longer around. Common behavioural signs in younger children might include clinging, regressive behaviours (like bed-wetting), or emotional outbursts.
As children reach middle childhood (ages 6-12), they start to gain a better understanding of the situation, but they may still feel a deep sense of confusion and loss. They may struggle with feelings of guilt, believing the divorce is somehow their fault. This age group may exhibit behavioural issues like academic difficulties, irritability, or withdrawal from friends and activities.
Adolescents (ages 13-18) are at a stage where identity formation and independence are key. Divorce can cause feelings of anger, betrayal, and confusion, leading to significant emotional upheaval. They may act out, rebel, or become withdrawn, grappling with feelings of loyalty conflicts between parents. Some teens might even try to “please” their parents by siding with one or the other, at the cost of their own emotional well-being.
Divorce: High Conflict vs. Collaborative Approaches
The way parents approach divorce can significantly impact how children respond. A high-conflict divorce, marked by ongoing disputes, negative emotions, or manipulative behaviours, can have long-term detrimental effects on children. In high-conflict situations, children may feel caught in the middle, experiencing anxiety, depression, and even trauma. This environment can increase the risk of children developing behavioural and emotional difficulties that persist into adulthood.
On the other hand, a collaborative or amicable divorce, where both parents work together to minimize conflict and prioritize the well-being of the children, tends to have a more positive impact on children. In such scenarios, children are more likely to feel secure, supported, and less emotionally torn. Collaborative divorces also tend to minimize stress and reduce the likelihood of children becoming involved in adult conflicts.
Parental Behaviour and Its Impact on Children
How parents behave during and after a divorce plays a critical role in how children adjust. Parents who put their child’s emotional needs first tend to foster resilience. These parents maintain open communication, provide consistent routines, and avoid using children as emotional caretakers. By offering reassurance and emotional support, these parents can help their children feel safe and secure.
However, when parents place children in the middle of their conflict, it can cause significant harm. Children may feel forced to choose sides, leading to confusion, guilt, and internalized stress. In the most damaging cases, parental alienation occurs, where one parent intentionally undermines the relationship between the child and the other parent. This can lead to long-term emotional consequences for the child and damage their relationship with both parents.
Financial Implications and Their Impact on Children
Divorce often brings about significant financial changes for families, which can contribute to stress and anxiety in children. Parents may have to adjust to living in separate households, with less disposable income, which can lead to instability or feelings of insecurity. Children may notice these changes, whether it’s moving to a smaller home or having fewer resources for extracurricular activities. Financial strain can contribute to emotional distress, particularly if parents are overwhelmed by money concerns and may inadvertently involve children in adult financial struggles.
Behavioural Changes in Children During Divorce
During a divorce, children may express their distress in various ways. Younger children might become more clingy, or they may regress in behaviors such as toileting accidents or difficulty sleeping. Adolescents might engage in more defiant behaviors, withdraw socially, or perform poorly in school. Some children, in an attempt to maintain harmony, may excessively try to please their parents, often at the expense of their own emotional needs. They may take on the role of mediator, suppressing their own feelings to keep the peace between their parents.
Therapy helps children navigate these emotional challenges and provides a space where they can express feelings that might be difficult to articulate at home.
Case Study: Helping a Teen Navigate Parental Separation
Take the case of 15-year-old Emily, who came to therapy following her parents’ divorce. Emily initially struggled with feelings of anger toward both parents, believing that the separation was her fault. She felt torn between the two homes, and her school performance began to decline as she became increasingly distracted and withdrawn. She had difficulty processing her emotions and didn’t know how to talk to her parents about her struggles.
Through therapy, Emily was able to identify her feelings of guilt and fear and work through them with the help of her therapist. Using certain evidence-based techniques, Sarah learned how to challenge her negative thought patterns and replace them with healthier perspectives. Over time, she became more open with her parents about her feelings (parents often need help helping their children while navigating their own feelings of loss or grief) and began to feel more secure in the changes to her family structure. Her grades improved, and she reconnected with friends who had been supportive throughout the process.
Emily’s case highlights how therapy can help children and teens not only process their emotions but also develop effective coping skills that will serve them in other areas of life.
How Therapy Can Help Parents, Too
While therapy focuses on supporting children, it also offers benefits for parents. Divorce can place immense stress on parents as they navigate their own emotional reactions while also managing their child’s needs. For parents, therapy provides a space to talk about their own struggles, frustrations, and guilt. A therapist can also provide guidance on how to communicate effectively with children about the divorce and create strategies for co-parenting in a way that minimizes the emotional impact on the child.
Therapists can help parents learn how to:
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Co-parent effectively and avoid putting children in the middle of disputes.
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Support their child’s emotional needs during the divorce.
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Manage their own stress and emotional reactions so they can better support their child.
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Help children adjust to living in two households and maintain strong relationships with both parents.
Therapy Approaches to Help Children and Parents
There are several therapeutic approaches that can help children, teens, and parents manage the emotional and psychological effects of divorce. Therapy to help parents help their children include:
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Family Therapy: Family therapy offers a platform for parents and children to work through their emotions together. It helps family members communicate openly, improve relationships, and develop strategies to co-parent effectively. In some cases, family therapy can also address issues like parental alienation or ongoing conflict.
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Parenting Support Therapy: For parents, therapy can focus on improving communication, setting boundaries, and learning how to support their child’s emotional needs. In cases of high conflict, therapy can help parents learn how to reduce negative interactions and create a more peaceful co-parenting dynamic.
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Co-Parenting Counselling: This specialized therapy helps separated or divorced parents learn how to co-parent effectively, reducing conflict and focusing on the child’s best interests. It offers tools for cooperative decision-making, communication, and managing shared parenting responsibilities.
Ready to Help Your Child Heal and Adjust?
If your child is struggling to adjust to divorce or separation, therapy can be the key to helping them process their emotions and build resilience. Seeking support early on can prevent long-term emotional issues and provide children with the tools they need to thrive in the face of family changes.
As a parent, your willingness to seek therapy for your child shows your commitment to their well-being. A therapist can work with both you and your child to create a plan that fosters healing and growth during this challenging time. If you are a parent going through a separation or divorce, and want support to help both you and your children, reach out! I’m here to help.
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