Once in a while, I feel compelled to write about cultural moments (whether it be music, sports, politics) and the way they impact the way I think about psychotherapy (as someone who has the privilege of hearing about people’s most personal stories). A recent Bonnie Raitt concert (she’s now in her 70s) was one of those moments that really hit me.
Not because she looked or sounded like someone trying to prove that age doesn’t matter (unlike some other artists I’ve seen).
Quite the opposite.
She seemed completely uninterested in proving anything. She just looked like she was savouring these moments she had with her audience.
Her voice was still incredible, as she sipped away at her mug of something, taking care of her “moneymaker” as she called it with a chuckle. She and her band moved more slowly across the stage than I imagine they did in the past.
During her set, Raitt talked a fair bit in different ways about aging. About the world. About her anxiety. About US politics (not a fan of the current administration). About hate instead of love dominating daily newscasts. About people she had loved and lost. About past partners she still appreciated and felt lucky to have had in her life. She was at times almost pleading with the audience to care about the world she said we are losing — to climate change, cruelty, greed.
She also joked a lot. About herself — her aging knees, her hair colour, an ear piece she thought she dropped down the front of her top, her preference for PJ’s and comfy slippers (but the understanding she needed to dress up a little for us, the audience), and the need to end the show, as they had to get on the road to Ottawa. I felt like I was in her living room in a raw and honest conversation. She was unapologetic. It was refreshing.
In all of this, I found myself thinking about an artist’s perpetual need to perform; about how so many of us feel the need to perform. Raitt was having none of it. She was trusting herself, her voice, her ability to share, and the audience’s ability to handle it.
It got me thinking about the work I do, the people I see, and what happens when we finally stop performing.
Not performing on a stage.
Performing ourselves.
The performance of being okay (for acceptance and validation for so many of us).
Many of us become very good performers.
We learn how to be the capable one.
The good daughter or son or child.
The reliable partner.
The successful professional.
The patient parent.
The person who can handle everything.
We learn how to look fine when we aren’t.
We learn what people expect from us — and how to deliver it.
And for a while, these performances can work.
They may even help us survive.
But sometimes we reach a point in life when the performance becomes exhausting.
The old ways of being ourselves stop fitting.
You may have built a successful career and suddenly wonder if you even like the work, or why your home life is falling apart in your emotional or physical absence.
You may have spent decades caring for everyone else and managing their feelings, and realize you don’t know what you want anymore or who you are.
Your children may be becoming independent.
Your parents may need you in different ways.
Your marriage or long-term relationship may be changing.
Your body may be changing.
You may be approaching or moving through menopause.
Or perhaps nothing dramatic has happened at all.
You simply wake up one morning and think:
Is this really who I am or want to be?
Midlife can bring this on.
This is one reason I don’t always think of midlife as a crisis.
Sometimes it is an awakening as I like to call it.
The stories that worked when we were younger may no longer work.
The approval that once mattered may matter less.
The career identity, relationship role, family role, or version of success that once felt important may suddenly feel strangely empty.
And that can be frightening.
Because when an old identity starts to loosen, we don’t necessarily know what comes next.
There can be grief in becoming more authentic.
You may have to grieve the person you thought you would become, or didn’t get to be.
The marriage you thought would look different.
The career you assumed you would have forever.
The younger version of yourself who believed there was still unlimited time.
But there can also be freedom.
What if you don’t have to reinvent yourself?
I sometimes hear people describe midlife as needing to “find yourself.”
I’m not sure that’s quite right.
Perhaps you aren’t lost.
Perhaps there are parts of you that have been waiting for more room.
The creative part.
The playful part.
The angry part that knows something isn’t fair.
The exhausted part that doesn’t want to keep over-functioning.
The part that wants adventure.
The part that wants quiet.
The part that has finally realized that being needed isn’t the same thing as being loved.
Becoming more authentic doesn’t mean throwing away your responsibilities or blowing up your life.
Sometimes it is much more nuanced.
It can mean telling the truth sooner.
Saying no without writing an essay to justify it.
Admitting that something hurts.
Acknowledging that you want something.
Allowing yourself to disappoint someone.
Making room for pleasure without needing to earn it.
Learning who you are when nobody is applauding.
Aging can change the question
Raitt, talked about a song she wrote around turning 40, when the fear of running out of time was very real.
That made me think about how our relationship with time changes.
At 40, you may feel you need to hurry.
At 50, you may begin to realize how much of your life has been shaped by expectations.
Later, the question may become less:
“What have I accomplished?”
and more:
“How do I want to spend the time I have?”
That is an existential question.
And it can be a beautiful one.
Because there is something liberating about realizing that you don’t have to become more impressive.
You might simply want to become more you.
The courage to be ordinary and real…and realizing that being “amazing” might be something different at 50 than at 40 or 30 or 20. And maybe it’s not about “becoming amazing” as we are taught in school and in advertisements. In fact, I wonder if “becoming the best you can be” and all that other marketing might be about keeping us striving and performing — never feeling we are enough. With Raitt, it felt more like reaching a state of authenticity. That’s amazing!
Maybe authenticity isn’t a dramatic transformation.
Maybe it is what remains when we stop trying so hard to be who we think we are supposed to be.
Bonnie Raitt standing on that stage reminded me of that.
She could acknowledge that the world is painful.
She could talk about getting older.
She could remember people who were no longer here.
She could sing someone else’s song.
She could laugh.
She could be grateful.
She could simply be there.
And perhaps that is part of what growing older can offer us.
Not certainty.
Not immunity from grief.
Not freedom from anxiety.
But fewer reasons to pretend.
Less performance.
More honesty.
More choice.
More appreciation for the people beside us.
More willingness to use the time we have to become the person we actually are.
Maybe midlife isn’t the beginning of becoming someone new.
Maybe it is the beginning of becoming less divided from yourself.
If you are in a season of midlife transition, burnout, relationship change, grief, identity questioning, or what feels like a midlife awakening or unravelling, therapy can provide space to explore what is changing beneath the surface.
You may not need to “fix” yourself.
You may need space to understand what no longer fits — and what is asking to emerge.
I offer therapy for individuals, couples, families, blended families, and other relationships, and treat midlife and other life transitions, trauma, anxiety, grief, burnout, relationship challenges, from an attachment-based, trauma-informed, and relational perspective.
I offer both in-person therapy in Hamilton, Ontario, and online therapy across Ontario.
Book a Free Consultation
If you’re navigating the challenges of midlife, and life transitions, I invite you to reach out for a free 15-minute consultation. Together we can work to help you better cope with current stressors and explore what is happening beneath the surface.
Disclaimer: This blog is intended for educational purposes only and does not constitute psychotherapy, mental health treatment, or professional advice. Reading this article does not establish a therapist-client relationship. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, please seek immediate professional support.
Verified client feedback and Professional Endorsements can be found on Luminos and Psychology Today
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