Often, divorced parents, who are confused about conflict with their teen or adult children, might say “it was fine” or “they should be over it” or, “we did a good job and they didn’t suffer” or, “at least I didn’t abandon them”.
But it’s important to remember, the kids most often feel differently. While some parents might feel some relief (in addition to grief), adult children I meet might say or feel something like:
We didn’t just lose a family structure. We lost a sense of home as we knew it. We lost our family unit. We lost our memories as a family. We felt replaced. And according to the research, this can feel more intense when a new partner arrives on the scene.
Even if the separation was necessary—even if it was healthier for one or both—many adult children say they still felt it.
What Kids (even the adults) Carry After Separation or Divorce:
• Confusion about where we belong
• Pressure to be okay
• Fear of hurting or losing one parent
What Kids didn’t understand or know how to talk about:
Some of us became “easy.”
Some of us became “difficult.”
Most of us were just trying to adapt.
What Helped (and What Didn’t)
• Being allowed to feel everything
• Not being asked to take sides
• Seeing our parents take responsibility and accountability
What didn’t:
• Being told “this is for the best” without space to grieve
• Feeling like a messenger or mediator
• Having our experience minimized
How does this affect us as adults?
Some of us are now:
• Setting boundaries and taking distance
• Re-evaluating relationships
• Trying to understand our own attachment patterns
And some are finding a place to make sense of what was never processed.
Whether you’re a parent wanting to better understand your child—or an adult child navigating the long-term impact of divorce—therapy can support deeper clarity and healing. I offer free, 15 minute consultations by phone. I offer in-person counselling and psychotherapy to individuals, families and couples going through or having experienced divorce in Hamilton and surrounding area and online therapy across Ontario.
Disclaimer: This blog is informational and does not constitute therapy or establish a therapeutic relationship.
#AdultChildrenOfDivorce #HealingAttachment #FamilyTherapy
