There was an unexpected debate in our house this week.
Not about politics. Not about whose turn it was to walk the dog.
It was about who we were cheering for during Canada’s World Cup match against Morocco.
Here’s the twist.
Morocco holds a special place in our family. There are relationships, history, and stories that connect us deeply to that beautiful country. Going into the game, we genuinely weren’t sure where our loyalties would land. We were kind of prepared to let our feelings take us where they would.
But as the match unfolded, almost from the start — we found ourselves cheering for Canada.
Not because we don’t identify with Morocco.
But because Canada was our team. It’s home. It’s also the underdog. Realistically, what chance did we have? And yet we hoped anyway. We wanted the impossible story. We wanted to believe.
The funny thing is – We’re not really soccer people.
We’re baseball fans.
As I watched Canadians collectively feel the disappointment, I found myself thinking less about soccer and more about something deeply human.
It reminded me of the collective elation, excitement and heartbreak that surrounded the Blue Jays during last season’s playoff run. There is something remarkable that happens when an entire country finds itself pulling in the same direction. Complete strangers become teammates. Conversations happen in grocery store lineups, elevators, coffee shops, and neighbourhood sidewalks. For a little while, we belong to something larger than ourselves.
In a world that often feels fragmented, lonely, and upside down, that feeling matters.
As a psychotherapist, I couldn’t stop thinking about why.
We All Need to Feel Like We Belong
One of the strongest predictors of emotional well-being isn’t success, money, or even happiness.
It’s belonging. And, feeling like we matter to others.
Human beings are wired for connection. We are meant to matter to other people. We are meant to know that someone notices when we’re missing, celebrates our victories, comforts us when life falls apart, and believes we’re worth showing up for.
When those experiences are missing, something profound happens inside us.
Loneliness grows.
Anxiety increases.
Depression becomes more likely.
Our nervous systems begin responding as though we’re facing danger rather than disappointment.
Although life has largely returned to normal after the pandemic, many people still carry its emotional residue. I hear it every day in my psychotherapy office. People describe feeling disconnected, emotionally exhausted, isolated, and overwhelmed. We have become more digitally connected than ever before, yet many of us quietly wonder:
Who is really on my team?
When Family (or community) Doesn’t Feel Like Home
That question becomes especially painful when the people we long to belong with are our own family, or groups of friends, or our community.
Over the past several years, I’ve written extensively about family estrangement, family conflict, ambiguous loss, grief, and the emotional pain that comes with distancing in families. Increasingly, adult children, parents, siblings, and extended family members are navigating fractured relationships that leave everyone carrying some combination of sadness, shame, anger, confusion, and unanswered questions.
Researcher Dr. Lucy Blake explores these experiences beautifully in her book Home Truths. One of the themes throughout her research is that even when estrangement is necessary, people often continue longing for recognition, understanding, repair, and belonging.
Similarly, Estrangement expert Dr. Joshua Coleman has spent decades studying family estrangement and helping parents and adult children understand how childhood experiences, attachment injuries, communication patterns, trauma, changing cultural expectations, and unresolved emotional wounds can slowly erode family relationships over time. They can also play out then in our friend groups, and work families.
What strikes me most in both of their work is something I witness every week as a psychotherapist.
People don’t simply grieve losing people.
They grieve losing their place in the family story. And at times, having that place defined for them or around them.
They grieve birthdays they no longer attend, relatives they rarely see, traditions that disappear, inside jokes or memories they no longer understand, and the painful feeling that perhaps they no longer matter, (many wake up to feeling they never really mattered), to the people who once felt like their team. Family mythology, movies and social media tell us we are supposed to matter, but the reality for many many people feels much different. Some people report looking back as adults and feeling these things never felt quite right in the first place.
That kind of grief often has no funeral.
No meal trains.
No sympathy cards.
Just silence.
The Question Beneath the Conflict
Whether I’m providing individual therapy, couples therapy, or family therapy, I’ve noticed that underneath many arguments lies just a few remarkably vulnerable questions:
Do I matter to you? Do I belong here?
It shows up in marriages.
Between parents and adult children.
Among siblings.
In friendships.
Even at work.
When we stop feeling emotionally important to someone we love or care for, our nervous systems often move into protection.
We criticize.
We withdraw.
We become defensive.
We over-function.
We people-please.
We shut down.
Rarely are these behaviours the actual problem.
They’re attempts to answer a much deeper question:
Am I still someone you choose?
Feeling emotionally rejected or unwanted can leave lasting psychological wounds that contribute to anxiety, depression, relationship difficulties, low self-worth, and chronic loneliness.
Healing Begins by Finding Your Team Again
Healthy relationships don’t require perfection.
They do require repair.
Feeling like you’re on the same team doesn’t mean agreeing on everything.
It means believing that when life becomes difficult, you’re facing the problem together instead of becoming each other’s problem.
Whether we’re talking about marriages, long-term relationships, parenting, adult children, siblings, or extended families, healing often begins when people become curious about each other’s experiences instead of simply defending their own.
That doesn’t always mean reconciliation.
Sometimes healthy boundaries remain essential.
Sometimes distance is the healthiest option.
But understanding almost always reduces suffering.
How Psychotherapy Can Help
As a Registered Psychotherapist, Couples Therapist, and Family Therapist, much of my work focuses on helping people understand the emotional patterns underneath conflict rather than simply trying to manage the conflict itself.
Together we explore attachment, family-of-origin experiences, trauma, grief, communication patterns, people-pleasing, burnout, relationship dynamics, and the ways our nervous systems learned to protect us.
Whether you’re struggling with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, family conflict, family estrangement, grief and loss, burnout, or simply feeling disconnected from yourself or the people you love, psychotherapy offers a compassionate space to slow down, understand your story, and begin creating healthier ways of relating.
Because sometimes healing isn’t about winning the argument.
Sometimes it’s about remembering that you still matter.
That your story deserves to be heard.
That someone is willing to understand your experience.
That you don’t have to carry it all alone.
Maybe that’s why sporting events move us more than we expect.
Not because most of us are die-hard soccer fans (or baseball!).
We’re not.
But because, for a few precious hours, millions of people wear the same colours.
Hope together.
Celebrate together.
Lose together.
We remember what it feels like to belong.
The real question isn’t whether Canada won or lost.
The real question is this:
Who’s on your team when the game is over?
Ready to Take the First Step?
If this blog resonated with you, perhaps it touched on something you’ve been carrying for a long time. Whether you’re struggling with family conflict, family estrangement, relationship challenges, marriage issues, grief and loss, anxiety, depression, burnout, or simply feeling disconnected from the people who matter most, therapy can offer a place to slow down, make sense of your experiences, and begin moving toward healthier, more connected relationships.
I offer in-person psychotherapy in Hamilton, serving clients from Hamilton, Ancaster, Dundas, Burlington, Stoney Creek, Brantford, Oakville, and the surrounding communities, as well as secure online therapy across Ontario for individuals, couples, and families. My approach is warm, collaborative, trauma-informed, attachment-based, and tailored to your unique experiences and goals.
If you’re wondering whether we’d be a good fit, I also offer a free 15-minute consultation. It’s an opportunity to briefly discuss what’s bringing you to therapy, ask questions, and determine whether my approach feels right for you.
You can also explore more about individual therapy, couples therapy, family therapy, EMDR therapy, grief counselling, family estrangement, relationship counselling, and other mental health topics throughout this website.
I would be honoured to walk alongside you.
Disclaimer: This blog is intended for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for psychotherapy, medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this article does not establish a therapist-client relationship. If you are experiencing a mental health emergency or are in crisis, please contact your local emergency services or seek support from a qualified mental health professional.
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