Couples sometimes say they feel worse after a couples therapy session. They’re talking about problems after all — a whole list of things that aren’t working. It’s no wonder many people avoid it.
Couples therapists watch couples bring in:
The argument about money.
The fight about the in-laws.
The disagreement about parenting.
The fact that one person never listens.
The fact that the other person always gets defensive.
The sex that has disappeared.
The resentment that has been building for years.
Sounds terrible!
But yes — we need to bring these things into couples therapy.
As a couples therapist, I actually want to know about them. I need to.
But there is something else I want to understand, too:
What is still working between you?
Because if every therapy session becomes a forensic investigation of everything your partner has done wrong (and only your partner), we can accidentally turn couples therapy into a weekly meeting about the evidence against each other. Some call this “problem saturated therapy”. You might ask – isn’t that what we are supposed to do? Well, yes…and no.
Because the problems (on their own) aren’t usually where lasting connection is built.
Your relationship is more than your conflict
When couples are struggling, their attention naturally narrows.
You notice the annoying thing your partner does.
You remember the last argument.
You start collecting examples.
“You see? This is exactly what I mean.”
The brain is very good at finding evidence for the story we already believe, and proving ourselves right over and over again.
If I believe my partner doesn’t care, I may notice every forgotten text, missed opportunity or distracted conversation. If I believe my partner is constantly criticizing me, I may become increasingly sensitive to every sigh, correction or change in tone.
That doesn’t mean the hurt isn’t real.
It means there is a larger relationship happening around the hurt.
And sometimes we need to remember that.
Couples therapy isn’t only about conflict resolution
In my couples work, I often draw in part from Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Emotionally Focused Family Therapy (EFFT), Gottman, and RLT to understand the negative cycles couples get caught in.
One partner reaches.
The other withdraws.
One criticizes.
The other defends.
One becomes louder.
The other disappears.
Then each person’s response confirms the other’s worst fear.
But therapy isn’t simply about stopping the argument.
It’s about understanding what the argument is protecting.
Under “You never help me” there may be exhaustion and a longing not to feel alone.
Under “You’re always criticizing me” there may be shame and a fear of never being good enough.
Under withdrawal there may be overwhelm.
Under anger there may be fear.
This is why I want couples to bring the hard things into therapy — but I don’t necessarily want those hard things to become the entire story.
Don’t forget the good stuff
Sometimes I’ll ask couples about moments that went differently.
When did you laugh together this week?
When did you feel like a team?
When did your partner surprise you?
When did you feel wanted, appreciated, understood or safe?
These questions aren’t about putting a positive spin on a struggling relationship.
They are about getting a fuller picture.
Approaches such as Gottman-informed couples therapy, EFT, EFFT, and Imago also emphasize the importance of how partners respond to one another, listen, validate and create connection. Those moments matter because relationships aren’t changed only through the conversations about what went wrong. They are also shaped by what happens in the ordinary moments between the big conversations.
There is another risk in only bringing the bad stuff
If every session begins with a new complaint, couples can start to experience one another primarily as adversaries.
The therapist hears the grievances.
The partner hears the grievances.
And eventually the relationship itself can begin to feel like one long grievance.
That doesn’t mean we ignore betrayal, resentment, emotional disconnection or serious problems. We don’t.
It means we don’t want to lose sight of the humans underneath them.
I want to know what you’re fighting about.
But I also want to know why this person mattered enough to hurt this much in the first place.
What drew you together?
What have you survived together?
What do you still appreciate?
Where is there tenderness?
Where is there curiosity?
Where, even briefly, do you still feel like yourselves?
Those aren’t fluffy questions.
They’re clinically useful questions.
Because sometimes couples need help not only learning how to fight differently, but remembering that there is something worth fighting for — and sometimes discovering what that something is again.
Couples therapy should have room for the rupture.
But it should also have room for the relationship that exists beyond the rupture.
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* Written with assistance from AI
