As Canadian Thanksgiving approaches, I find myself thinking about the people I work with in therapy, the losses they are carrying, and some of my own losses this year.
Thanksgiving is supposed to be about gratitude. Family, food, connection, a moment to appreciate what we have. And many of us really feel that gratitude and feel happy about the changing season, and all that brings. But what happens when the people around the table are also the people who have hurt us? What happens when someone is missing? When a relationship has changed beyond recognition, or when we are grieving something we cannot quite explain?
Sometimes the hardest part is not the loss itself. It is the expectation that we should be able to put our feelings aside, appreciate what we have and get on with things. And also, that we have to suffer quietly, keeping our pain and shame to ourselves.
It’s that expectation that makes it seem as though gratitude and grief cannot occupy the same space.
When Thanksgiving Brings Up Anxiety and Family Conflict
For many people, Thanksgiving means anticipating difficult conversations, managing family tensions or deciding whether to attend at all. You might rehearse what you will say, worry about what someone else might say, or promise yourself that this year you will not get pulled into the same old arguments.
If you have experienced criticism, rejection, emotional neglect or unpredictable conflict in your family, your anxiety may begin well before the gathering. Your body remembers what it has been like to be there.
You might become the peacemaker, the one who keeps everyone happy, or the person who stays quiet to avoid making things worse. Perhaps you have spent years trying to earn a different response from someone who has never been able or willing to give you one.
These are not simply personality quirks. They can be ways of navigating relationships that once mattered deeply and may still matter now.
But understanding why you respond this way does not mean you have to keep doing it.
Grieving the Family You Have, the Family You Lost, or the One You Never Had
Grief is not always about a physical death.
Sometimes we grieve a parent who is still alive but emotionally unavailable. A sibling we no longer speak to. An adult child who has stepped away. A marriage that has ended, a family that has fractured, or the realization that the relationships we hoped for may never become what we needed them to be.
This can be a form of ambiguous loss: a loss without a clear ending, where love, longing, anger and uncertainty coexist. Family estrangement can be especially painful because the person is still here, yet the relationship we knew—or hoped to have—is absent.
Researchers such as Pauline Boss have explored how ambiguous loss complicates grieving, while Karl Pillemer, in Fault Lines, examines the painful realities of fractured family relationships.
There may be no funeral, no ritual, no socially recognized moment when people gather to acknowledge what has happened. Instead, you are expected to show up for Thanksgiving as though nothing has changed.
And perhaps the most painful part is that you can miss someone, love them, feel angry with them and recognize that distance is necessary—all at once.
Gratitude Is Not a Cure for Grief
I believe gratitude can be meaningful. It can help us notice kindness, appreciate connection and recognize the ordinary moments that sustain us.
But gratitude becomes something else when it is used to invalidate or erase discomfort and pain.
At least you still have other family.
You should be grateful for what you’ve got.
Life is short. Just make up.
These statements may be well-intentioned, but they can leave people feeling even more alone. They suggest that acknowledging hurt is somehow incompatible with appreciating life.
It isn’t.
I have been thinking about my own losses this year, too. I know that the presence of good things does not erase what is missing. We can appreciate the people who show up for us while mourning the relationships that have changed. We can feel fortunate in some parts of our lives and deeply sad in others.
We do not need to turn pain into a lesson, find a silver lining or demonstrate personal growth on demand.
Sometimes we simply need room to acknowledge what happened and what it means to us.
Making Room for What Is True This Thanksgiving
If family gatherings are difficult this year, you might begin by asking yourself what you actually need, rather than what you think you should be able to tolerate.
Perhaps that means attending for a shorter time, setting a boundary around a conversation, or making plans with people who feel safe, comfortable, and bring you joy and comfort. Perhaps it means creating a different tradition or acknowledging that you are not ready to reconnect.
Family repair, when possible and appropriate, takes more than a holiday invitation. It requires accountability, curiosity, and a willingness to understand experiences beyond our own. Reconciliation should not require anyone to deny harm or abandon necessary boundaries.
In my psychotherapy practice, I work with people navigating grief, anxiety, family conflict, couples conflict, stepfamily and blended family conflict, estrangement and complicated relationships. Together, we can explore the attachment wounds, family roles and experiences that continue to shape the present, without assuming that every relationship must be repaired.
This Thanksgiving, perhaps we can let gratitude be an invitation rather than an obligation.
You can appreciate what remains without pretending nothing has been lost.
You can love your family and acknowledge what has hurt you.
And you can grieve the life or relationships you hoped for without giving up on the possibility of meaning, connection and joy in the life you have now.
Therapy for Grief, Family Conflict and Estrangement in Hamilton and Across Ontario
If Thanksgiving brings up anxiety, grief, family conflict or the pain of estrangement, you do not have to sort through it alone.
I offer individual psychotherapy, couples therapy and family therapy in-person in Hamilton, Ontario, and secure online therapy across Ontario. My approach is relational, attachment-focused and trauma-informed, drawing on approaches including EMDR, parts work and IFS, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Emotionally Focused Family Therapy (EFFT), mindfulness and grief therapy.
Learn more about grief and loss therapy, family estrangement and relationship therapy
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I offer a free 15-minute consultation by phone so we can discuss what you are experiencing and whether working together might be a good fit.
I wish you all a happy and peaceful Thanksgiving, however and with whomever you choose to spend your time this weekend.
Disclaimer: This article is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for psychotherapy, medical advice, diagnosis or individualized mental health treatment. Reading this article does not establish a therapeutic relationship.
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